Tuesday, March 06, 2007

What Sucks…Autoerotic Asphyxiation


Easily the most awkward way to die. I mean what could possibly be worse? Dying with your dick in a cat? Not even close. I'm sorry, dead, with a plastic bag over your head, and your privates in your hand is no way to go out.

And I know that everyone has to go one way or the other- but there is just no way someone is meant to go like this. There are freaky ways to die, sure- eaten by a shark, killed by a man o' war- but the Guy Upstairs can't have this laid out for anyone- I don't care how mysteriously he works.

What a tidal wave of embarrassment, seriously. From your need to do it, to the poor bastard who discovers your body, to the policeman who has to make out the report, to the coroner who has to remove your body from the scene.

Think about your wake and funeral- they'll be more eye contact on the subway than at this thing. And how bout the relatives you have to face in the afterlife. Don't have this conversation after you go into the light!

YOUR GRANDMOTHER:
Frank?

YOU:
Grandma?

YOUR GRANDMOTHER:
So regular cumming's not good enough for you...

Your What-Sucks Autoerotic Asphyxiation Little Known Fact of the Day: It’s only “AUTO” erotic asphyxiation if you’re alone- otherwise it’s just “erotic asphyxiation”, which means, you CAN do this in a safe manner, with a spotter as it were, making all autoerotic asphyxiations deaths a little sadder, as they all could have been avoided.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Now that's a story worthy of the bandit-- after reading it Mrs bandit said "i want Chris to strangle me with dental floss while driving my forehead through the wall with his huge pickle"

Youv'e ruined her like so many others.

the digibandit

pale male said...

whoa!

put a leash on "mrs. bandit" because she puts the "eek" in freak

another masterstroke by DeLuca...though I was surprised Michael Hutchence didn't find his way in here somehow

julius said...

Congratulations, you have officially reached "5-star" a-hole status.

Chris DeLuca said...

just seeing if everyone is paying attention...

Anonymous said...

I'm curious, do 2 sucky things make a non-sucky thing?

For instance, if Coulter were to be found dead as a result of auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Ben said...

Just a minor correction here...autoerotic asphyxiation is actually when you suffocate while masturbating in your car.

Otherwise, good job.