Monday, February 26, 2007

What Sucks...Crash

The Academy may have gotten it right this year with The Departed, but that doesn't mean all is forgiven for last year’s choice of Crash. Looking back, man, did that movie totally suck. What a piece of crap and, let’s face it, if there’s one thing this blog stands for, it’s the principle that it’s never too late to shit on something, so...

…Crash blew. Not only was it not worthy of being called Best Picture, it’s not worthy of being called best picture called “Crash”. (For that see David Cronenberg's 1996 film about car crashing pervs.)

Capote, Good Night Good Luck, Walk The Line, Brokeback Mountain, Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo- all better than Crash.

Let’s be honest, for a film hailed for how it dealt with race, there are better drawn minority characters on "What About Brian".

Here are some things you’d have to overlook to be “okay” with Crash…

…a cop would be SO racist that he would ever pull over a couple and molest a woman while her husband and his partner stood nearby. This much-heralded scene would have been more believable had it been set on Mars. What cop would do that? I’m not saying there isn’t abuse from police when they pull someone over who is African American in Los Angeles- but a molestation? Don't you think they'd wait till they got back to the station house for that? And as for Thandie Newton’s character…who the hell talks to a cop that way? Hand him your license and registration and begin feigning innocence.

…MULTIPLE scenes of Matt Dillon’s dad sitting down to pee. Hey, I get it the 1st time, the guy has a bladder infection- buy him some cranberry juice and get your camera out of his bathroom. Oh and yeah, I’m sure the dad was real progressive when it came to race to have Matt Dillon as a son- maybe the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree unless the apple has to constantly help the tree to pee sitting down.

…A character of middle eastern descent, who owns a connivance store- (nuanced, Paul Haggis)- who all he owns in his life is his store, LEAVING THE STORE UNLOCKED OVERNIGHT! I don’t care if you can’t understand your locksmith- when you leave, youtry and lock your door, realize you can’t then you sleep in the store that night! Your door is broken- don’t leave- and if you do, don’t be upset the next day when you’re broken into and vandalized.

…Danza. No wait, a RACIST Danza.

…a magic bullet/ invisible cloak. Yeah, of course the man of middle eastern descent shows up to the locksmith’s house and shoots his daughter…and of course she lives because of a magic, bulletproof, invisible cloak.

…that Ryan Phillippe a) picks up a hitch hiker, b) shoots the hitch hiker when he reaches into his pocket, c) burns his car and gets off scot-free. This happens late in the film, so you have already seen so much unbelievable shit, you’re like “whatever.” I can’t believe “he kills him for reaching into his pocket” appears in an Oscar winning film’s screenplay.

…IT SNOWS IN LA! I called the American Weather Service and they told me the only time it has ever snowed in Los Angeles was when a hack writer needed to employ a freshman year film school “cleansing” metaphor.

I could go on- I’m leaving out the Chinese slave family in the back of the van with Ludacris, the entire Sandy Bullock character arc and the whole Don Cheadle’s mom blaming Don Cheadle for being a bad son, when she clearly has her head up her ass a mom.

Racism? Better than Crash.


Anonymous said...

" And as for Thandie Newton’s character…who the hell talks to a cop that way? Hand him your license and registration and begin feigning innocence."

So now it's wrong to question police and their actions?

Since when did the U.S. become the United Fascist States of America?

I remember when this was exactly the type of thing that we used to hold ourselves as being superior to the U.S.S.R. for - the ability to challenge the authorities on the point of law and even win.

Now, it appears that our victory in the Cold War has simply resulted in our raising a generation of easily pacified dullards who believe that democracy is something that exists without the need to have them challenge and confirm that its tenets are actually being upheld by those trusted to enforce it.

Chris DeLuca said...

These guys are not Constitutional scholars- do you want to get tased?!?!

pale male said...

thanks, anonymous!

i never knew our adversarial system of justice was what made us better than the Russkies...i thought it was our ability to play hockey.


Crash = better than the Black Donnellys

Anonymous said...

Passionate and serious responses to a comedy blog... Shame on you. You give 'anonymous' a bad name.

dehumidifier said...

hahaha somebody used the word "dullards" in a blog comment.

Anonymous said...

i'd disagree because i think Brokeback Mountain sucked balls, pun intended.

Anonymous said...

Yeah right, the "invisible cloak" was THE reason why the bullet didnt get it...

If u were sleeping at the movie at least u can tell so, moron.