Tuesday, October 21, 2008

What Sucks...Mr. Blackwell

BLOG NOTE: This post originally appeared on 1/12/07

What’s up with this dude? What a dickhead. Is there a more useless human being on the face of the Earth? I mean seriously, snarky comments and bad puns about what young women are wearing? Is that what you’re gonna contribute to society? Is that your legacy? Add a mustache and an attempt to ethnically cleanse the Kurds, and you’re Saddam.

I have a question- hey A-hole, what are YOU wearing? An ascot, no doubt. There can’t be anyone out there who enjoys his puns, can there? Teetering back and forth from the lame to the downright vicious. I think we can call him “Mr. Black…SOUL”. How does that feel, a-hole? Did you know you made Madonna cry once? Is this the mark you wanted to leave on the world?

What lies ahead for Mr. Blackwell.

And you thought puns were harmless, let’s break down this year’s list…

1. Britney Spears and Paris Hilton (tie)
"Two peas in an overexposed pod! Style-free and fashion deprived... ladies and gentlemen, the 'SCREAMGIRLS' have arrived!"

NOTE: I suspect that is a reference to the Dreamgirls, which features neither Britney nor Paris. Right off the bat, Blackwell has dug himself a hole. It’s not like these two a-holes have been dressing poorly for a short time either- Blackwell had time to put this together, yet he stumbles out of the gate!

2. Camilla Parker-Bowles
"The Duchess of Dowdy strikes again! In feathered hats that were once the rage, she resembles a parakeet from the Jurassic age. A royal wreck."

NOTE: A frequent Blackwell target, he takes a cheap shot at her age, never forgiving her for ending Diana Spencer’s loveless marriage. Blackwell, cut her some slack! She’s 60 for Christ sakes!

3. Lindsay Lohan
"From adorable to deplorable, Lindsay is tragically trapped in fashion's fast lane."

NOTE: Lohan’s liver is failing her as we speak, her well documented run at death coming to a close, and Blackwell won’t let her slip into the abyss without taking one last cheap shot. I’m sure the Lord will enjoy this pun when you explain it to him at the Pearly Gates, that’s if they let snarky bitches into Heaven!

4. Christina Aguilera
“La Diva Christina is a dazzling singer, But she puts good taste through the wardrobe wringer! All crass, no class!.”

NOTE: Blackwell employs his patented backhanded compliment here by praising Xtina’s voice before trashing her clothes. You’re the one with no class, Blackwell, Christina is “Beautiful…in every single way”. Jeezus, I’m becoming him…what’s happening to me?

5. Mariah Carey
"Mariah the fashion pariah has finally found her stylistic niche … let's crown her the Queen of Catastrophic Kitsch".

NOTE: Can’t really complain about this one, Blackwell is right on the money. Mariah is a train wreck.

6. Paula Abdul
"Wrapped in floral fiascos that grow moldier by the hour . . . She's a lumpy stem on a bumpy flower. A fallen fashion idol."

NOTE: The “fallen fashion idol” line was clearly written by his assistant in a desperate attempt to salvage his own job. As for the first part of Blackwell’s insult, I have no idea what he’s talking about.”

7. Sharon Stone
"It's clear Sharon's misplaced her fashion gift. An over-the-hill Cruella de Vil - after a seismic shift! Her fashion sense needs some grace from heaven, her outfit at the golden Globes was worse than 9-11”

NOTE: Blackwell makes an ill-advised reference to the villain from 101 Dalmatians before shockingly going over the line by invoking 9-11.

8. Tori Spelling
"All chills and no thrills, Tori's down and out in Beverly Hills! She's definitely under fashion duress - positive proof that more is really less!"

NOTE: Nice, her dad’s body isn’t even cold yet, douchebag.

9. Sandra Oh
"Layered lunacy - from toes to nose…or as she pronounces it…”rows to lows”.

NOTE: Blackwell pulls a wild card, probably sensing that Oh, after years of being on Arli$$, and with things FINALLY going her way had to be taken down a notch. The 2nd part of his attack is just blatantly racist.

10. Meryl Streep
"From Streep you could weep, her beauty of a career cannot be denied, but that beast of a wardrobe is pure mother of the bride. This award winning actress is no longer pretty, and she should be sent to Sadr City."

NOTE: Blackwell takes on Streep, you can tell he’s nervous because his rhyme scheme is off then he advocates sending Meryl Streep to one of the most dangerous parts of the war.

Tacky? Yes, but ship her to Sadr City? I don't think so.

What’s with the hostility to our nation’s hotties? This dude is a serious buzz-kill.


Ben said...

I agree. The guy really crossed some lines there. I would never advocate sending Meryl Streep to Sadr City...but you have to admit a few nights in the Green Zone would probably smarten up her fashion sense.

Blackwell, you devil!

J. said...

The poetry is adolescent at best, and the 9-11 and Iraq references are in horrible taste--you should have an epitaph contest for his tombstone--but in keeping with his sensitivities, wait until you find out he has terminal cancer before mailing the results to him.

Anonymous said...

lindsey lohan has the sexiest liver in hollywood

Bensilly said...

Blackwell has ben contro FOREVER, its part of his act..

-J., terminal, hahha
or learn how to ki...

Anonymous said...

Love the headstone rofl.