Wednesday, January 17, 2007

What Sucks...Fergie

I debated this for a while because, let’s face it, there’s a fine line between telling you all what sucks, and hatin’. I’ve tried very hard to not cross that line, so it is, after careful consideration and no small amount of soul searching I feel I can say, with a clear conscience…

…is Fergie retarded?

I’m mainly going off lyrics here and she may not have written everything she says, but there’s enough in her catalogue (“My Humps”, “Hey Mama” and “London Bridge”, whose subtle manipulation of language makes “Fergalicious” look like early Dylan) to suspect that she may be in fact, a moron.

I may be a little late to the party but does anyone know exactly what the “London Bridge” metaphor pertains to? I know what we all assume it means, but does it actually mean anything?

Take a look at some of these lyrics…the song starts off as if it is about Fergie going to a club and dancing and drinking and having a good time…

When I come to the clubs, step aside (Oh, shit)
Part the seas, don't be having me in the line (Oh, shit)
V.I.P 'cause you know I gotta shine (Oh, shit)
I'm Fergie Ferg
And me love you long time (Oh shit)

All my girls get down on the floor (Oh, shit)
Back to back drop it down real low (Oh, shit)
I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho (Oh, shit)
'cause you know I don't give a fuck so here we go! (Oh shit)

…until all of a sudden Fergie evokes the imagery of a bridge.

How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge want to go down
Like London London London wanna go down
Like London London London be going down like

…What the fuck is she talking about? I mean, I know she’s talking about sex, but I don’t get what the “London Bridge” is. Is it an archway her legs form as if she is in a ballerina’s 1st or 2nd position? Because, the London Bridge does not have an archway.

There’s the underwear theory where, because the video to the song features Fergie wearing underwear that has the British flag on it, that perhaps “London Bridge” means her undies. But who ever equates underwear with bridges?

Does Fergie think the London Bridge is a draw-bridge and therefore “London Bridge want to go down” has to do with her letting someone “across”, and thus symbolically into her life? Because London Bridge is not a drawbridge. As a matter of fact, London Bridge is not really an extraordinary looking bridge at all.

It’s an old, important one, one rebuilt over the years (an original is in Arizona) but all in all it is pretty simple looking which leads to the question…

…is Fergie talking about the TOWER Bridge?

Did she get the name of the bridge wrong? Is she a fucking idiot?

The Tower Bridge is a drawbridge of sorts so the “going down” part could make sense. Also, in the video Fergie mistakenly refers to the Tower Bridge as the London Bridge.

Conclusion: Fergie may be a mental midget. She did spell the word “Duchess” wrong on her album (“Dutchess”), and she is singing about the wrong bridge. Additionally, in the context of the Tower Bridge, the metaphor is still hard to swallow.


J. said...

Hmm--water under bridge=something to do with all those pictures a while back of her having pissed herself while on stage?

Plus she's a tribute to the "makeup and hair and my attitude that I'm hot" brainwashing that seems to allow some to overlook the fact that she's rather ugly and has a man jaw.

Anonymous said...

lets take pleasure that this song/album has not made her as famous as she desperately wants to be

chelc said...

i agree with j. thats probaly what it meant.

really, what is she talking baout??

Russell said...

Funnily enough, last night I downloaded the new album by Zealous 1 which features a hilarious Fergie diss track, "Bargain Bins".

wbrudie said...

Don't they call undies/pants "britches" in England? Or didn't they used to?

Whatev, she's not a talented songstress. She's not even good eye candy.

Chris DeLuca said...

Ha- see how everyone struggles with it? water under the bridge, britches- Motley Crue never confused with their metaphors, she sucks.

and yes, wbrundie she is not good eye candy, her face is very "1st baseman glovish" and black eyed peas may suck too, they're at their best in a best buy commercial.

tara said...

London means polite aloofness. Bridge means the thing that seperates one shore from another shore. London Bridge coming down means dropping pretentions of friends/aquaintances and getting familiar. Intimately familiar. Every time she sees this guy she wants to be all up in his life. Can we as a culture be done asking this now?

ps i love your blog. this is the first thing i've read that i haven't agreed with.

Chris DeLuca said...

Everyone has their take- I find no sense whatsoever, Tara looks at it in a beautiful, thoughtful way as if Fergie is Tolstoy.

I guess great art has many interpretations.

Anonymous said...

fergie is a fucking genius

ever hear of the phrases: Colorless green dreams sleep furiously, The earth laughs in flowers, etc. etc.

"My humps" has so many different levels and is so fucking effective at bringing them to the forefront I won't be surprised if it becomes a broadway play.

Star Style said...

What is Fergie Wearing????

Find out for your self!!!!

Check out the styles in her latest music video
“Glamorous” Featuring Ludacris

Feb. 20th

Chris DeLuca said...

Whoa, Star Style, WTF?

Are you robot plugging something on my blog?


hi i would like to link exchange with you if you are interested in link exchange with email me on
my blog url is

Jason said...

Fergie IS a fucking moron. And her music absolutely sucks. She is basically a talentless person who is only good at one thing: Taking off her clothes. Big deal. So are prostitutes. But that is literally how she became famous, like so many other "celebrities" who realize they have no real talent to show so they resort to taking their clothes off, making sex videos, figuring out ways to get on TV, etc. etc. She's a dime a dozen, and if we're lucky, people will realize this and eventually stop paying attention. End of story.

Anonymous said...

i just think she's hideous. any song shes done has been a rip off of gwen stefani's and it bugs me. she must be retarded because she features the tower bridge in her video and on her london bridge single cover. i dont dislike her songs. but omg shes retarded and NOT good looking.

Anonymous said...

she's a butterfaced slag

Anonymous said...

Its true- as the anonymous before me said- she's a total rip off of Gwen Stefani and she's disgusting.

And she complains when people stare at her stomach when she wears crop tops (isnt that the point of crop tops??)

Timothy said...

the bitch thinks she is gwen steffani or lil kim or someonebody....she need to sit her trashy ass down

Anonymous said...

the bitch is whack..she think she is Gwen Steffani and Lil Kim. SHe will never be. and she will never be black. she need to sit her monkey ass down.

Anonymous said...

I waste a lot of time and energy despising Fergie, and this post was a manna to my hungry soul. I thank you for disparaging this man-faced stripper.

Anonymous said...

Wow copying Gwen Stefani... Fair enough Fergie you have your reasons for copying other artists (possibly including lack of talent), but if you're going to copy someone, why would you copy gwen stefani?

ZC said...

She's riffing off the old nursery rhyme (poorly)...

London bridge is falling down
falling down
falling down
London bridge is falling down
My fair lady

The rhyme was basically about how the London Bridge historically kept being knocked down. She's apparently taking it a step further and making the linguistic alteration of it GOING down, instead of falling down, and then equating it to oral sex.

Why did she pick this? My best guess is that she's a poor enough lyricist that:

A. She bases her "best" work on children nursery rhymes because she has no other musical influences.

B. She couldn't think of a metaphor that was actually clever, so she reached for the nearest Mother Goose book.

C. She couldn't figure out what else would rhyme with "come around" and so went with "go down", but then she couldn't think of anything that could precede "go down" so she grasped at straws and came up with London Bridge; The most sophisticated memory she could muster.

But seriously, why debate or question this? I mean, you had to pretty much write her off as a lyricist when "My Humps" came into existence.

She at least made herself parody-proof, because her songs are so ridiculous in the first place that there's really nothing you can do to make them sillier.

Andrew said...

What about 'London BREECHES'...... going down?

Anonymous said...

She's not even very good looking (nice body but her face is kind of ugly)
But that's not even the worst part about her. It's the music. This girl really can't sing. It sounds like she's shouting, and her lyrics are shit.

Anonymous said...

The writer of has written a superior article. I got your point and there is nothing to argue about. It is like the following universal truth that you can not disagree with: Man is Woman's greatest failure I will be back.

Anonymous said...

I totally agree...she must be retarded! And why is she always spelling stuff in her songs? And wtf is "flossy, flossy" (Glamorous)?

Erica said...

fergie has been driving me crazy for ages now... when BEP'S first picked her up, it was the best move they coulda made, a super hot girl with a crazy good voice.... but now? she's just as washed up as they were when she joined.... overweight, no talent.... like come on.... its forgivable if your a stunner but i don't want to listen to shitty music with sum middle aged chick in a ridiculous spacesuit jiggle her thighs around pretending to rock.... i specifically googled fergie sucks just to see if i was the only one.... and i never EVER look to hate

Anonymous said...

F-u-c-k 0ff biotch