Saturday, December 30, 2006

What Sucks...The Year In Suck



A lot of things have sucked in 2006 and as we head into the vast dark abyss that is 2007, it’s time to look back and crown the worst thing in 2006. What I’ve done to make it easier is to whittle it down to 3 things to choose from, that really, really sucked. Together with your votes, we will name the suckiest thing in 2006. I know its unscientific, but let’s face it, very few people who read this blog are scientists. Please vote in the comment section until I figure out a way to put a poll in here. Thanks.

Here are your choices for worst thing in 2006.

1) The continued unraveling of the War in Iraq.



2) Rosie O’Donnell being in a sex scene in “Nip/ Tuck”.



3) The continued deterioration of our planet due to global warming.



So there you have it. Stuff that sucked in 2006. Vote wisely, vote often.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

What Sucks…Those Plastic 6 Pack Rings: A What Sucks Equal Time Debate! Part 1


Plastic 6 Pack Rings. So beautiful fastening 6 beers together, yet so disturbing around the heads of baby ducks.

Yes they keep our beers together but at what price? Simply put, these things are a menace to nature and have ruined the lives of countless ducks and turtles around the world. These pictures tell the sad story.


Poor duck.



A damaged turtle.


So can’t we come up with a better way of holding our beverages together?



Oh wait, seems we have. So what is it? An irrational hatred of ducks and turtles? Or is it laziness? Come on people, we can do better than this. Plastic 6 pack ring things suck, cut them up after you use them, or let’s ban them altogether!

What Sucks…Those Plastic 6 Pack Rings: A What Sucks Equal Time Debate! Part 2


Plastic 6 Pack Rings- baby duck death traps? Or a convenient tool in the conveying of beers? Let’s answer some simple questions.

Are these things awesome?

Yes. They keep our beers, and for children, sodas together. Because of them, I can easily carry up to 18 beers at once and I could probably, if I wanted to, push that number to 24 with a little more effort. Think about that- one man, easily carrying 24 beers. Could you imagine the struggle of having to keep 24 beers together WITHOUT the use of these things? It would be a ridiculous exercise in futility and a wonderful Mr. Bean sketch.

Alas, there is another side to the story. Apparently, for some reason, ducks and turtles along with other animals in their ecosystem, appear to be unable to avoid getting their beaks, and bodies stuck in them.

An idiot duck.



A stupid turtle.

As a human, I’m sure I’m not alone in finding it difficult to understand how something that should so clearly be discarded- a used plastic 6 pack ring- would find its way around the neck of a duck or turtle time and time again.

Further, after the 300th time this occurs, should we be sympathetic to these creatures? It’s not like we’re talking about a bear trap here. It's not like the 6 pack ring things strewn around the country are baited. Are they? No. After all, find me with a 6 pack thing around my neck once, shame on you. Find me with a 6 pack thing around my neck a hundred times more, shame on the duck.

So what to do? Many say an appropriate compromise is to destroy your plastic 6 pack ring things after you have used them. I suppose that’s doable. It’s certainly better than banning the rings but really shouldn’t ducks and turtles should learn not to get their beaks caught in them? I know as humans we’re better than ducks and turtles, so we’ll go the extra mile to cut the rings and make sure their retarded asses are safe from them, but really, wouldn’t the ducks and turtles who managed to avoid the 6 pack things be the smart ones? And wouldn’t it serve the duck and turtle species better to have these "smarter" members of their race mate? Just saying.

Ducks and Turtles- suck.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

What Sucks…The Media's Coverage Of Gerald Ford's Death


Are there any more angles to cover this? Oh, wait...


Thank God. Now it could be told.

Whew. I was wondering what Chevy Chase’s take on this whole death of Gerald Ford thing would be. I mean what would a guy who did an impression of Gerald Ford, 30 years ago have to say about him dying at age 93? Well, you can all exhale- as it turns out, Chevy Chase had something nice to say about Gerald Ford, calling him a "terrific guy". Stunning. Excellent work.

Gerald Ford, RIP. Incidentally, the reaper is going out of 2006 with a bang.


Heard it here 1st- had cordial relationship with Chevy Chase.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

What Sucks...James Brown's Death


Heaven is a little more crowded today and St. Peter had to say "What? Could you repeat that? I’m sorry I don't understand you..." before enduring the whole “cape thing” at the Pearly Gates yesterday after the death of the James Brown, Godfather of Soul.

Incidentally the infamous gangster Jae Kim Sun, pictured below, lives on in South Korea as the Godfather of Seoul.




Brown was a musical force for close to 6 decades and his influence will live on forever. His death will cause a ripple effect in music for years to come, not the least of which is that the "Hardest Working Man In Show Business" is now technically Weird Al Yankovic. Here he is pictured riding in a clothes dryer.



His new album is called "Straight Out Of Lynwood" and you can buy it HERE.

James Brown, RIP.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

What Sucks...Christmas



Have a good holiday everyone.

Check out these videos directed by Jamey Schaffer, we threw together for the Video Game Awards if you want to escape your families for a minute or two.




Friday, December 22, 2006

What Sucks...Time's Person of the Year (No Offense!)


2nd worst call by Time ever.

Ahem, worst call.


So what, you watch some videos of a couple of guys taking a shot in the nuts, and that makes you Man of the Year?

Okay, that seems pretty fair- you’re now tied with Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King and Gandhi for Man of the Years. AND you’re only one behind Winston Churchill- who knows, next year if you learn to bowl with your privates, and that becomes a big thing, you could pull within one of FDR (who lead us out of the Depression and through WW2) for all time lead.

Nice job cheapening your award, Time. It's a good bet that 78% of the people you just gave it to have mustard on their shit right now. Who's gonna win next year, Fiona Apple?


Only one of these a-holes made their Man of the Year awards at a 6 Flags Amusement Park.


By the way, for the 14th year in a row Paul Prudome took home the “Thyme Man of the Year Award”, not that you fucking care, but its now just as prominent.

Congrats.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

What Sucks...Buy This Book!



It's by my friend, the very funny and talented Bob Powers. Makes a great last minute gift/ stocking stuffer and, for my readers whom I won't mention by name here, it's a great book to learn to read with!

Seriously, based on Bob's great and popular blog "Girls Are Pretty", Happy Cruelty Day is an awesome, original, hilarious masterpiece from a very funny guy.

Here's the Amazon link:

Impress hipster chicks by reading this cool, orginal author!

What Sucks...Damaging Private Property


Just a quick shout out on one of those things we all know, and something that sucks that pretty much goes without saying- and that’s when some of your stuff is vandalized or damaged.

Be it someone breaking into your car to try and steal your radio, or someone vandalizing the elevator in your apartment building or even defacing a public park in your neighborhood. It sucks and needs to be stopped. Not really neccessary to put a link in here as too often your own local papers are chock full of stories of senseless (and expensive to repair!) vandalism.

Here's hoping this problem goes down in 2007!

Link not necessary to click, just one story in a million unfortunately of vandalism occurring.


A shame when this happens.

What Sucks…What the Cast of “American Pie” Has Done Since


Who would have thought this would be the peak?

A scant 8 years ago, they were the free wheeling sta rs of a seemingly endless new teen comedy franchise- a story of a boy so horny he fucks a pie in his kitchen- a story that sadly, for so many of them, would be a high water mark in their careers.

Today, their names roll off the tongue like the cast of special guests gathered together to celebrate under-achievement. Biggs, Klein, Suvari, Reid, Elizabeth, Scott, Lyonne, Thomas and even Hannigan- 8 years removed from their greatest triumph, unable to eclipse the relative greatness that was American Pie.

For some, surrender was the only option. Natasha Lyonne (see below) would succumb to a life of crime, falling from grace in a spate of drug abuse and threats of dog molestation. The beautiful Shannon Elizabeth, who played an exchange student from Czechoslovakia even though the country did not exist at the time of the film (thanks Wikipedia!), would marry a really old and creepy guy only to have it all end as, in an ironic twist, her marriage became a casualty of the Ashton Kutcher show “Punk’d”. Later it would be revealed that she’s like 40 or something. And of course Tara Reid, perhaps the most high profile of the cast, would bounce from role to role in Hollywood B-list productions before her stark portrayal of a drunken whore in the short-lived but powerful E! drama “Tara-dise” would serve as a haunting indictment on American culture today.

Jason Biggs, Chris Klein and Mena Suvari may have had the most promise. Klein had been in the strong “Election” previously, and Biggs was headed to a Woody Allen film. Sadly Biggs’ Woody Allen film was shot in the 1990’s – 2000’s stage of Woody Allen’s career and thus sucked. Klein’s career would take an equally horrible turn when he made the “worse than being in gay porn” decision to do Rollerball.

As for Mena, she followed American Beauty with American Virgin- an unprecedented run of 3 straight films with the word “American” in the title- a late attempt to revive her credibility by kissing the girl in 6 Feet Under may have been too little too late.

Seann William Scott, the unforgettable Stifler in American Pie, went on to star in The Dukes Of Hazzard and save for a funny cameo in Old School, has not yet approached a character as nuanced as Stifler (who’s mom totally had sex with Finch by the way). The guy who played Finch? He was in “Freddy Got Fingered”.

Only Alyson Hannigan (Buffy, How I Met Your Mother) has come out of American Pie with a career. But at what cost?



“One time…in Band Camp…I watched the careers of my contemporaries self-destruct.”

Monday, December 18, 2006

What Sucks...'Santa Baby' as a Christmas Song: Perv Watch V.7



What the fuck? Are we trying to give Santa wood? Jesus, kids are listening to this thing for Christ Sakes.

Check out some of the lyrics...

“…come and trim my Christmas tree with some decorations bought at Tiffany…I really do believe in you, let’s see if you believe in me too.”

Subtle. Now imagine this clear invitation to fuck as it is sung by the Pussycat Dolls...



I'm sorry, that's basically NSFW! Especially if you're an Elf.

And they're not the only ones to take a shot at this song. You had Madonna...



Kylie Minogue....



And just to prove it isn't a new phenomenon, silent film star and former Cat-Woman Eartha Kitt has been doing it since before WW2!



Hey ladies, keep it in your pants- the guy has a busy enough night as it is. Plus, last time I checked, you home-wrecking pervs, he's married. No wonder Mrs. Claus has self-esteem problems, she's like Jackie O when Marilyn Monroe sang Happy Birthday Mr. President. Here's the actual transcript by the way for that, rarely seen in its entirety...

MARILYN: (FINISHING HER SONG) ...Happy birthday Mr. President...happy birthday to you...

CROWD APPLAUDS.

JACKIE O: (TO JACK) What the fuck was that? I'm sorry, is there draft in here, oh, did I say draft? I meant whore. Is there a whore in here Jack? Jesus Christ!

What Sucks...iTunes Movies: Mystery Alaska


Sorry, have to point out how bad iTunes movies suck again, but I’m only doing this because my local Shop-Rite isn’t as proud of having Mystery Alaska among its selections as these guys are.

Here’s the part I like the best – “Tell A Friend”. Tell a friend that Mystery Alaska is available? No thanks, I don’t hate my friends.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

What Sucks...Natasha Lyonne



Nowhere in the 'young Hollywood actress having a break-down playbook' does the phrase "threaten to molest someone's dog" appear.

I've looked- you can drive drunk as much as you like- you can do your whole eating disorder thing- you can get arrested, do serious drugs, flash your female private parts, drop a baby, get into car accidents, make a sex tape, beat the crap out of someone- even do all 4 of those things in one night (Michelle Rodriguez, God bless you.) But molesting doggies? No. No way. You're over the line.

Get some help, Nastasha, you perv.

Friday, December 15, 2006

What Sucks...Over The Line Hunting Enthusiasts


Come on now. A blind guy? How badly do we want to kill animals?

Is this a gun control thing? Lokk, I'm not trying to take away your gun- but I AM gonna try and take it away from the blind guy.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

What Sucks...ABC News: Perv Watch V.6


Hey ABC News, get out of the bedroom of seals, you pervs.

By the way, I've never been weirded out more by the way a "technology and science" report" was written. Let me ask you a question about paragraph two where you write...

"Weaker males would not normally have a chance with the females who usually go for the more dominant types..."

“Go for the more dominant types”? We're still talking about seals, right?

I’ve never seen seal boinking reported on with such vigor unless…you pervs aren’t talking about seal sex.

Clearly you don’t have the guts to be upfront about it, so I’ll say it here- if “seal” is a metaphor for “guy who works at ABC news” you should be ashamed of yourselves. I don’t need to know that you fuck more when the weather is warmer.

I don't know what this metaphor is supposed to accomplish for you, but I hope its unsuccessful, you pervs. If this really is about seal f-ing, maybe just report the facts without getting your baggage all over it.


Getting some? Keep it to yourself.

What Sucks...The Reaper and His Hard-On For Character Actors


It's getting tiresome. Peter Boyle, well known for, and great in "Everybody Loves Raymond", "Young Frankenstein" and incredibly under-rated in "Johnny Dangerously" (he played the boss of Michael Keaton's family who survives an attempt on his life, and mistakes the toilet handle for his privates) as well as a number of other films and plays died yesterday in NY.

Reaper- you have Knotts, Kirby, Palance, Weaver, Warden and now Boyle- will your thirst for character actors ever be quelled?

Peter Boyle- RIP.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

What Sucks...Live Blogging, the Live Blogging


...okay here we are it's 10:04 and I'm googling for someone who is live blogging...

10:08 still can't find anyone live blogging- I know they are out there...

10:13- still nothing- I think they must be running a journal...

10:20- in the middle of commercial break one...still looking- I'm sure there are a lot of journals out there, may just have to respond to them after they post...

11:03 Found one- Kotaku.com He missed the 1st 30 mins though. Let's take a look, my comments are in CAPS...

KOTAKU.COM

OK I missed the first thirty of the VGAs, but I'm sitting here on my couch now watching it.

AHEM, THANKS FOR SHOWING UP.

The award presentations seem kinda cool, the skits... not so much.

OUCH, BUT OKAY.

they're showing random audience shots and Seth Green is there, tie and all. He so kicks ass.

A FAN OF SETH GREEN, NOT HARD TO FIND- SETH GREEN IS PRETTY AWESOME.

I think the problem with the skits are, they're just not funny. You can't force this stuff. Maybe Spike needs to just concentrate on the awards. Perhaps they should cut it down to an hour and have it be more like the Oscars, a coupe of jokes from the emcee and that's all she wrote.

AHEM, ALL COMMENTS ARE WELCOME.

Hmm, show's back and they just introduced Yellow Card to present the studio of the year. These guys are idiots. Id-E-Ots.

WELL, ACTUALLY NO ARGUMENT HERE.

OK, for the record I not only voted for Clover Studios, but I nominated them. They really should have won, nothing against Epic.

NO OFFENSE TAKEN.

Cliffy looks so happy. I just heard him say "that things huge". Lol, he just shouted "What's up bitches". I think four people clapped. Bitches is right.

NOTE: ONLY 4 BITCHES WERE THERE.

Rogan, he's even cracking himself up. Man, they need to get better writers, or actors, or something.

DON'T LAY "ROGAN UNFUNNINESS" ON ME, YEAH, ROGAN IS USUALLY HILARIOUS- THAT'S TOTALLY OUR BAD.

Showing the world premier of GRAW 2 now. That's Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter for the three of you who've never played the game.

Hahahaha, El Paso, Texas. That's just perfect. Actually, it does sort of remind me of junior high school.

Now that's what I'm talking about. They just brought two of the guys from Reno 911. Let's see if they can do live.

They can. First, they're cussing like nobody's business. Ahhhahaha: They just said Fuck you pig. Oh, man they rock.

OKAY- SEEMS LIKE WE'RE ENJOYING THE SHOW AND HAVE SOME FEELINGS ABOUT THE POLICE.

What the... awards round-up.

IT'S COOL, JUST AWARDS GIVEN OUT EARLIER...

Hit the jump for more of my babbling.

Game Head commercial. What do you guys think of that show, it seems pretty respectable they've done some pretty impressive things this year.

WOW- THIS IS LIKE THE QUOTE ON THE BACK OF THE BOOK FOR US SO FAR.

I think Samuel L is actually changing clothes during every commercial break.

YES HE WAS.

Oh hell no. Samuel L. Jackson pwned. Lol.

WOW- AN "LOL". THIS IS VERY RARE, UNLESS ITS…SARCASTIC!.

Hotness just walked onto th estage. She's got a name, but it's just been wiped clean from my brain.

ELIZABETH HASSLEBECK, MY FRIEND. JUST KIDDING.

Best Cast nominees coming up. And the winner is, as you all know, Family Guy. Holy Seth Green Batman. Nice, they have some of the cast up on stage, I mean besides Seth Green. Yes, he said Gigity, gigity goo.

AT LEAST YOU GOT A GIGITY, GIGITY.

Oh shit, Michael Irving is plaing Wii Golf. Lame, he threw it and broke the camera. La-Ame.

WHAT? COME ON- MICHAEL IRVIN IS GREAT- DIDN'T YOU SEE THE LONGEST YARD?

Tony Hawk just won an award. Wasn't he just a presenter.

ITS TONY HAWK- IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GIVING ONE TO JAMES GANDOL...NEVERMIND

Samuel L is introducing a Spike TV show now. This is starting to feel like a big circle jerk.

Holy... The King is in the audience.

AFI is on the stage performing. They should never be allowed to perform live again... never!

It sounds like the mixing is all screwed up, or maybe the singer always sounds that way Man, I feel old.

ITS THE MASCARA, IT MESSES UP THE AUDIO.

Some TNA Impact guy just threatened to kick the Gamehead guy's ass. Nice.

YEAH, WE GOT OFF EASY ON THIS ONE- THAT WHOLE BIT, LET'S JUST SAY IT WASN'T ON THE PROMPTER, YOU KNOW, WITH THE SHIRT THING

More Reno guys on stage now. Sorry, girl and guyish. They are awesome. I love them.

WE'RE ALMOST DONE AND HAVE NOT BEEN RIPPED TO SHREDS...

There seem to be an awful lot of commercials with this show, both during and around it. Zing!

GOT TO PAY THE BILLS.

OK, the VGA drinking game: Everytime Samuel L cusses take a drink.

FUN, I'LL PLAY.

SLJ in yet another outfit annnnnnd. waiting for it, waiting for it, waiting for it... and drink.

GULP.

How in the hell did the Loco Roco song (my vote and nomination) not win the Best Song award. How? Frggin Yellow Card, I'm disgusted.

NOT WRONG TO FEEL THIS WAY.

Wait, the Spike TV VGA award is a monkey? A Monkey. OK CliffyB, I want a picture like now.

Heroes hottie just took to the stage. She's blathering on about video game addiction and mocking young gamers knowledge of books. I bet she couldn't name three books by Hemingway.

Whats with all of the sorta off camera COS players. Very odd.

OK, some painful comedian is on stage now. She's actually getting booed. Not only is she insulting everyone, she's not even funny.

Wow, that was really, really bad.

SARAH SILVERMAN.

Heroes guy took the stage: the Japanese guy who was recently nominated as one of the sexiest geeks around by Wired.

He's doing the best team sports nominees, that's a little tangential don't you think?

Hmm, he just busted out with a "Save the cheerleader, save the world." Thanks for the commercial buddy.

DIDN'T KNOW THE SEXIEST GEEK THING.

Superman is yapping about World of Warcraft now. He, apparently loves Blizzard. How very trendy.

They're showing the trailer for World of Warcraft Burning Crusade, But instead of just showing it the cameras keep cutting back to the live choir. We don't care about the people in robes singing god dammit, just show the trailer. Ahhh, my brain is going to explode.

SORRY, OUR RESEARCH SAID "CHOIR".

Oh man, the finally got some good jokes. The Game of the Year nominees lead-up is hilarious.

WOW.

Oblivion wins, despite all the people shouting Gears of War.

It just ended with things exploding and Samuel L cussing. DRINK!

OKAY.

OK, one post show wrap-up question and observation.

Was the Tenacious D performance worth sitting through the whole show?

I think the problem is that Spike TV is trying to make a show that is both attractive to gamers and non-gamers. Don't. There's plenty of gamers around to support the show, just shoot for appealing to them.


All right, that wasn't that bad, considering. Here's another one from GAMING NEXUS

This guy only showed for the 1st hour. Again, my comments are in CAPS.

With nothing else on TV tonight I ended up watching the Spike TV Video Game Awards while I worked on some reviews and news postings. Rather than live blog this sorry and painful event I'm going to post a few observations based on the first hour of the show:

WHATEVER, WE ALL KNOW THIS HAS BEEN ON YOUR CALENDAR FOR WEEKS.

- There are a few funny moments but I don' think they were intentional

IS THIS GAMING NEXUS, OR BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT.COM?

- Tenacious D as the opener was pretty sweet but they performed the same song (with the same dude in the suit) on Saturday Night Live a few weeks back.

THEY BASICALLY MAKE THE CALL ON THE SONG THEY WANT TO DO.

- I'm not sure what 50 cent had before coming out but he had a lot of it

IT WAS A GLASS OF "I'M MAKING THIS UP AS I GO ALONG".

- You can tell gaming has infiltrated pop culture as there are a few decent attempts at inside game jokes. They suck but it's an attempt. The rest of the jokes are based on lame gaming stereotypes (the annoying girlfriend, the fat slob gamer, Cosplay)

THE LOVE HERE IS FLOWING LIKE THE GREAT MISSISSIPPI.

- I don't feel as bad about my mispronunciations and stumbling in the Digital Crack Report after watching most of the presenters
- Seth Green rocks

MORE LOVE FOR SETH GREEN.

- I can't really complain about the award winners, too bad we knew about them over the weekend when this was shot

NOT A BAD POINT.

- Product placements FTW

BETTER GET USED TO IT, THANK YOUR FRIEND MR. TIVO.

- WTF is Michael Irvin doing on this show?

NOT A BAD QUESTION.


OKAY....that's it for now, I'll take a look again in the morning to see if I missed any live-blogging, but for now, I'm headed- this history making live blogging a live blogging, has been well just as cool as I thought it would be.*

*denotes: I wasn't sure it would be so cool.

What Sucks… A History Making Live-Blogging of A Live-Blogging of the Spike 2006 Video Game Awards



For the first time in recorded history, tonight there will be a “live-blogging” of a “live-blogging” when I “live-blog” the “live-blogging” of the 2006 Spike Video Game Awards, hosted by Samuel L. Jackson.

As mentioned in my little bio thing to the right of this posting, this year I was the head writer for the show that is on tonight at 10PM (on Spike). Please watch and talk about how funny you thought it was especially if you’re around someone in a position to hire me. I need to pay off the credit card bills I charged my Wii on! That’s not a metaphor.

In the past, the VGA’s have not received a lot of love from bloggers. Actually, if you google the VGA’s, you’ll see that I’m putting that mildly. They hate us. A lot of times, they have some good points. This year however, we tried to put as much comedy in the show and also eliminate a lot of the stuff that really pissed bloggers off in the past (less celebrity acceptances and more appearances by game producers and designers, less hip-hop, etc.) so I’m interested in seeing the reaction the show gets.

That’s why I am announcing that tonight, I will be Live-Blogging, the Live-Blogging of the show. It is my impression that this will be the world’s first ever instance of a Live Blogging of something that someone else is blogging live, and I am very excited to make such a precedent.

If someone were to Live-Blog me as I was Live-Blogging the guy who is going to be tearing apart the show I just worked on, well that would just maybe blow up the internet.

So set your DVR’s that’s tonight at 10 PM on Spike TV- the Spike 2006 Video Game Awards hosted by Samuel L. Jackson.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

What Sucks...Guys Who Shoot Tigers..and Yes, I'm Afraid, Tigers


I’ll level with you all here right off the bat- I am beset with ironic confusion as I post this latest entry on What Sucks, finding myself at the intersection of Ying and Yang, with my yang hanging in the breeze.

There is no doubt that the wild Tiger, (as seen on a recent episode of 60 Minutes- I’m clearing out my DVR) is an amazing animal. It’s fearsome grace typifies nature at its most beautiful and most dangerous. Sadly however, it is in danger of extinction as its numbers continue to dwindle due to poaching and other encroachments by man on its space. The senseless killing of this cat for its skin and value in traditional Chinese medicine should sound a call to arms for everyone who loves nature and the poachers and developers who perpetrate their destruction are criminals and should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.



That being said, however, given the chance, a tiger will fuck you up- no doubt. With one blow from their mighty paw they can kill a water buffalo. Tigers weigh between 400 and 700 pounds and are between 8 and 10 feet long. They are excellent swimmers, can jump 5 meters and run up to 35 miles per hour. In some instances tigers have been known to kill crocodiles and fuck up brown bears. As a matter of fact, brown bears, bad-asses in their own right, stay away from Tigers out in the wild.

Now to be fair, scientists point out that tigers do not normally attack man. A tiger will generally not see a man has a food source, choosing instead bigger animals such as wild boars, gaur and large deer. Research finds only in instances where the tiger is very old, or injured, where they can NOT catch the above animals will it ever attack the slower, weaker man. Problem of course with this is that it is difficult to determine whether or not a tiger is injured or old before it pounces on you, as they do not talk.

So yes, Tiger poachers are the scourge of the Indian subcontinent and do readily suck, however, upon a face to face meeting with a tiger, do they suck any less than being eaten alive by something that can kick the shit out of a brown bear?

Monday, December 11, 2006

What Sucks...The NBA's New Ball


It’s out. Replaced by the old ball January 1st.

Let’s remember the highlights…

CLICK HERE FOR MONTAGE. No, actually don't. There is no montage. I’m not sure on how to do video here (I have a mac FYI comment leavers). And I didn’t cut together a montage. Oh well, here’s what it would have looked like...

Time of Your Life by Green Day plays as...

…A ball bounces off Sam Cassell’s foot. His face crinkles up and he begins to resemble ET.

…A ball bounces off the foot of various NBA point guards, Luke Ridnour, Kirk Hinrich and finally Jason Williams, subtly implying that only white guys play point guard.

...A shot of Sebastian Telfair actually playing, then losing a ball.

…A shot of a Vince Carter launching a 25 foot bomb against the Wizards that just dies on the rim and goes in.

…A shot of Steve Nash bouncing the ball, then looking at his hand, which the ball “cuts”.

…A shot of Eddy Curry just looking like Wilt Chamberlain, scoring at will, grabbing 11 rebounds per game, dropping 20 points and over every night for the past 3 weeks including 36 the other night in Milwaukee. He is/ was the king of the new ball era.

…A shot of Kobe missing a shot and not running up court. Oh wait, that’s the montage for the “old ball”.

…A shot of Rasheed Wallace coldly staring off camera, cut to what he’s staring at, a new ball.

Thanks for meeting me half way on the montage. If anyone would like to build this, you have too much time. Me, I’m just happy the old ball is back, and I’m sure many of the NBA players are too, I think it’s where a lot of them kept their weed.


King of the new ball era.

Friday, December 08, 2006

What Sucks...Mark David Chapman



Arguably the single biggest a-hole breathing air in America today, Mark David Chapman killed John Lennon outside his New York apartment on December 8, 1980 for no reason.

At no time before or after has he ever brought anything to the table. To illustrate this point, here are some of his accomplishments stacked up against those of Lennon, who he killed because he thought something in “Catcher in the Rye” told him to.

Here’s the tale of the tape.


Thursday, December 07, 2006

What Sucks...Sneak Attacks!


Other days that live in infamy...

January 23, 1993. 1st recorded instance of people "cybering". (On dial up.)

October 27, 1941. Alan and Anne Marie Trickle of Wisconsin Rapids, Wisconsin, make the unfortunate decision to forgo naming their newborn and future racecar driving legend child after Alan's brother Karl, choosing instead to name him after Anne dad, Richard, thus a child named Dick Trickle is brought into the world.

April 7th, 1857. Shortly after the first elevator was installed in a New York City building, a group of people entered it, pressing nearly every button to get to their desired floor. Sadly, one of them, uncomfortable with the silence utters "looks like we're on the local".

June 4th, 1971. Noah Wyle is born.

November 11th 1976. The comic strip Cathy is debuted.

What Sucks...Leroy Jenkins



...especially when you're trying to have a client meeting!

Seriously, check out the Leroy Jenkins videos we made for the Spike 2006 Video Game Awards and please rate them- high. Even if you don't like 'em. I gots to make a living!

Because I am clueless as to inbed video, here are the links.


LEROY CLIENT MEETING


LEROY OFFICE BIRTHDAY CAKE

LEROY ELEVATOR

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

What Sucks...Your Mom's New Boyfriend


Oh, he sucks. There’s no way around it.

His potbelly sucks. So, does his crew-cut or if it applies, comb over. It sucks the way he tucks his flannel shirts into his jeans. Sometimes there’s a vague “talc” scent to him, that sucks.

His car sucks- some recent model Pontiac that he really works hard to keep clean- the carpet is vacuumed and the interior reeks of air fresheners. The EQ of his radio is totally set by him, as if he can make his crappy, recycled “motown” music- the kind you’ve heard a million times, the kind he professes to love but you have heard so many times you can’t imagine there would be any personal connection to- the “My Girl’s”, and “Bernadette’s” you hear at countless bad weddings, sound any better. Every time he pulls up you’re hit by a wave of adult contemporary the likes of which you’ve never seen- yes, George Thorogood, Bob Seegar and yes, the dreaded Michael McDonald. Not that I would want this, could a guy into your mom ever like The Cure?

He has a somewhat estranged relationship with his own kids. His daughter is overweight- the kind of overweight that comes from being totally stressed out and turning to food for comfort. She hasn’t cut him off though, she’s trying to maintain a relationship with him and every once in a while he has a day where he sees his grandchild and tries to rebuild his relationship with her. He talks a lot about WW2, thinking he knows a lot about it however it soon becomes evident all he knows is stuff he picked up from the History channel.