Thursday, November 30, 2006

What Sucks…Colin Farrell Film Festivals


Not to say these exist, but if they did, and we can’t be totally sure they don’t- they would suck.

I mean it might be fun at first for ironic reasons to watch Colin and Tom Cruise in “Minority Report” but then after the aptly titled “Phone Booth”, “The Recruit” and “Daredevil”, the ironic laughs become harder to come by.

The evening screenings start off with “Home At The End of the World” and lead into “Alexander” before heading into the finale, "Miami Vice". As you leave you find yourself scratching your head and making plans to avoid next year's CFFF.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

What Sucks...An ABBA Museum?


What is the fascination?

Fernando? Waterloo? Dancing Queen?

Is it a girl thing? Or more specifically, is it a white girl thing? Why, because they make songs you guys like to sing out loud to after you’ve had a few drinks? Because it’s music white folks can dance to?

What, have we run out of stuff worthy of dedicating museums to? When's the "Jim Varney" museum open up? Are there enough institutes around the world devoted to science? Really, we have enough?




A display at a mall, maybe. A museum? Really?

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

What Sucks...California Sea Lions


It's on.

Animals are beginning their latest offensive in operation "F" with people. Oh, it's a coordinated attack, be sure about that.

First snakes went out of control. Then a sting ray killed the crocodile hunter. Now rougue Sea Lions are attacking people as they swim.

Well, I hope we are all happy. We brought this on ourselves. Over fishing takes away the sea lion's natural food source, so of course, they turn and try and eat us.

Monday, November 27, 2006

What Sucks...iTunes Movies, Still!


Buckle your seatbelts, iTunes movie shoppers, when you hit iTunes yesterday you must have been totally knocked on your ass…

That’s right, “Crimson Tide”- JUST ADDED!

Awesome! I could hardly sleep. I was thinking about buying it twice but I didn’t want to spend all my money because there is some serious buzz flying around the net that next week they’re gonna add Mr. Holland’s Opus.

Stay tuned…or watch TNT, (they know drama).

Thursday, November 23, 2006

What Sucks…Turkeys Are Total Dicks!


In case you’re feeling bad about this afternoon, realize this: Turkey’s are assholes. Here are some facts from National Geographic…

…Turkeys often bring young children into “PG” or “R” rated films, where they invariably end up talking loudly or crying, thus ruining the movie-going experience for everyone else.

…Turkeys regularly pronounce the “W” in the word “SWORD”.

…Turkeys, when asked if they’ve seen a particular television show, roll their eyes up and contend they “only watch PBS” thus making everyone else in the conversation feel inferior.

…a turkey invented the ATM fee.

…when in a bar with a jutebox Turkeys will often select and play “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” by Meatloaf, sadly this is especially true for male turkeys.

…A turkey will often chose to use the urinal next to you, even when he doesn’t have to.

Happy Thanksgiving all!

WFT?

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

What Sucks...Justin Morneau MVP?


Are you kidding me? Derek Jeter is the biggest winner to walk the face of the earth. Morneau's not even the most valuable dude on the Twins!

Just look at the numbers...

Morneau:

Batting Average: .321
Home Runs: 34
RBI: 130

Jeter:
Batting Average: .343
Home Runs: 14
RBI: 97
Biels: 1

Jeter scored a lot of runs, had a high on base percentage and won a gold glove at shortstop as the Yankee captain. But really what is comes down to is the intangibles. Jeter hit .381 in the clutch, and perhaps most impressively, led the league in Biels .

How much more of a winner does the Jeter (who has 4 rings) have to be to get an MVP? His distinguished career is marked by him excelling in the clutch, putting out a cologne and in the past leading the league in Alba's, Miss Universe's, Jordana Brewster's and Mariah Carey's*.

*denotes "back when that shit meant something".




Should count for something.


As for Morneau, he’s Canadian. Also, he’s never lead the lead in Biels. Solid player, but leading the league in “Joann Smiths” or whoever, is not MVP type of stuff.

Canadian AND did not lead the league in Biels.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

What Sucks...BACKNE


I know. It’s gross. But don’t shoot the messenger, Backne, or as it is also known, “back zits” or acne on one’s back, sucks.

Doesn’t matter whose back- it’s all bad. You feel bad when you have it, you feel bad when you see it- you feel bad when you hear about it. You feel bad when it ruins your shirt, you feel bad when it ruins a shirt you lent someone and you feel bad when it ruins the shirt of the person you're leaning up against in the subway.

There is no way to talk about this without being grossed out.

I’m sorry if you’re grossed out but this is a blog about what sucks. I know it’s unpleasant- I'd like to talk about flowers and puppies too, but they don't suck, unless of course they somehow get “backne”.


Never pleasant.

Monday, November 20, 2006

What Sucks...President Bush



Today even Henry Kissinger came out and said this war is un-winnable and that guy LOVES war.


Can't enjoy this war.

What Sucks...According To Jim


America wake up- this fucker is ready to enter its 6th season (yes, 6TH season!) and if we don’t do something about it, we’ll have no one to blame but ourselves.

How we allowed this show to get into its 6th year is sad statement about who we are. Of course, that being said, I don’t blame anyone for its first 2 seasons.

ACCORDING TO JIM AND 9-11
If you remember, the show debuted in October of 2001 and obviously, our guard was down. There were bigger things on our mind than worrying about giving some new Jim Belushi sitcom the public “shitting on” it deserved. We’d just have to get around to that because Anthrax was in our mailboxes and there were numerous security concerns. No one should feel bad about this, however the thing is, we never got around to it- and now, 6 years later we have to do the job we never finished. I think if we all looked in the mirror, each of us would agree we all could have done more to get this piece of shit out of our faces.

CLASS OF 2001
The shows “ATJ” started out with are a distant memory- bugs smashed on the windshield of suck, “My Wife and Kids”, Bonnie Hunt’s 200th chance at a sitcom “Life With Bonnie” (Hello, America hates her- give someone else a chance!) and 8 Simple Rules, yet somehow Belushi, lived on.

THINGS I’VE NEVER HEARD
Now I should note, I myself have never watched this show, nor have I met anyone who else who has seen it. In addition I have never heard the following…
“Hey did you see ‘According To Jim’ last night?”
“Hey, give me the remote, ‘According To Jim’ is on.”
“Excuse me- I have to make a quick call…(ON PHONE) Hun, can you make sure we’re TIVOing ‘According To Jim’”?

Yet the show sits, ready to hit the air as a midseason replacement. Tell me, are we so indifferent as a society, so apathetic and conditioned accepting suckiness, that we can’t even make the effort to NOT watch this thing?

THE LEGACY
Sadly, “According To Jim” has already taped its 100th episode, securing that it will be available for syndication and will then in turn, make the people who created it, rich or, richer. And it will be bought by someone, after all, Mama’s Family is still on the air. So, Jim Belushi, who has given us “The Principal”, “Curly Sue”, “K-9” and “K-9: PI” will be able to buy another home. By the way Lenny Bruce died penniless.

WHAT YOU CAN DO
Letter writing campaigns have saved a number of shows from cancellation, the great lesbian cop drama “Cagney and Lacy”, “My So Called Life” which gave us Jared Leto, and of course The History Channel’s “Hitler’s Birthdays”. Now its time to let letter writing campaign work for us.

Go to abc.go.com/site/contactus.

There you will see a place to e-mail ABC about ATJ. There you can actually select “According To Jim” from a menu of shows to discuss. Do this, and when you get to the message part of the email, tell them you’re sick of this crap- tell them to get off their asses and find something else to put on their air. Tell them that Lenny Bruce died penniless. Or cut and paste the following…

Dear ABC Exec:

Don’t you think 6 years is enough? According to me, According To Jim sucks.

Yours In Christ,

(Your Made Up Name).

So it looks like this…

Friday, November 17, 2006

What Sucks...Domino's "Brooklyn Style" Pizza


“Brooklyn” Style Domino’s Pizza?

Balls, Domino’s. That's what you have evoking the word “Brooklyn” in description of your “food stuff” pizza.

By the way, take a look here at what Domino’s considers Brooklyn.

Domino's vision of Brooklyn.



Yeah, it's like I'm reading Walt Whitman. Jesus. That website is a hate crime. Seriously, if I pitched this thing as a commercial parody at MAD TV, I’d be in sensitivity class on Monday morning. Who directed this thing, the ghost of DW Griffin? Can you squeeze a couple of more Italian America stereotypes in there? Where’s the short guy with the bushy mustache eating a meatball?

Clearly Domino’s hates Brooklyn or thinks at least thinks it’s an eclectic collection of cartoonish caricatures. Click on the black guy eating a slice- ha, ha- you can’t hear him talk because he plays his “Brooklyn Beat Box” so loud. You know what else is loud, Domino’s? Racism. Racism is loud you "crazy bread" delivering freaks.

How bout the cab driver of Middle Eastern descent? He has a funny accent, ha, ha- we're better than him. Never mind he probably has two jobs and sends most of his checks home to help his family.

The ones who take the biggest hit here though are the Italians. Not only do we get represented by the guindaloon with the weights on the roof who's yelling at his mother from two doors down, we also have to deal with Domino’s destroying our food, the pizza which they continue to offer with bacon and BBQ chicken.

Brooklyn Style. Hey Domino's, you suck.

What Sucks…To Catch A Predator's Chris Hansen: Perv Watch V.5


Just seems to me this guy ends up in a room with a lot of pedophiles. Yeah, I know he’s “busting” them, reading them back their perv transcripts, but something’s definitely up and I promise you, we’ll get to the bottom of it.


Predators can be at BBQ's I guess.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

What Sucks...OJ


Balls. Huge ones.

Seriously.

What Sucks...Comedian Mark Russell


If you suffer from "liberal guilt", your parents probably thought this guy was hilarious. His theater in the round, bow-tie wearing comedy show where he rhymes "NAFTA" and the word "After" has been on since the dawn of time and the average age of his audience is "deceased".

This poor bastard. Check out this page from his website...



I'm not sure the last one even makes sense. This guy got his start writing anti-Buchanan quips. James Buchanan, bi-otch. Seriously, this dude does not appeal to a young demographic. People tailgating at his shows drink Ensure in the parking lot.


Russell rode him. Hard.



Old. His farts, fart dust.

Hey, let's keep it fair- for this post, only comments from WASPS.

What Sucks...This Guy Too


Worst trend ever? Jilted lovers decide to burn kittens? Way to line up that rebound chick. WTF?

It was What-Sucks that first came out against this douchebag mere days ago. Now, some ass-hat burns kittens and gets 1 1/2 years.

Is this a contest? Can't imagine why these relationships aren't going these guy's way.

I literally hope I never have to write this sentence again in my life but...who burns kittens?

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

What Sucks...Stephon Marbury And The Post's Headline Writer



O for 6? 2 pts? In almost 37 minutes?

This guy is killing fantasy teams- used to be he was good for 9 assists and 21 points per game.

This dude is lucky to get 17 bucks for his sneakers. (NOTE: He has a shoe line that is much less expensive than other NBA stars.)



And as for the Post...
Mar-BOO-ry? Are you shitting me? You're editorializing the SECOND syllable in his name? How bout I call you the "BOO York Post"? This is shit the Staten Island Advance wouldn't do.

You're better than that, Post. Pull it together.

Monday, November 13, 2006

What Sucks…The Uptown Girl Video



This thing does not age well.

There are a lot of bad things going on here. Like…

A) Billy Joel Dancing.
Billy Joel is seriously white. We’re talking “married to James Brown” white and no where is it more clear then when he is awkwardly line dancing his way through this video.



B) The Video’s Narrative.
Made in the hey-day of the narrative music video, Uptown Girl puts us in an auto shop where the employees, a bunch of greaseballs, dance and sing as they fix cars. If you don’t have a problem with this, you’re Twyla Tharp.

C) The Christie Brinkley Factor.
This could explain a lot. I’m thinking Billy may have been on a confidence high when he made this video. For example there may have been some exchanges like this…

CONCERNED FRIEND OF BILLY WHO UNDERSTANDS THE CONCEPT OF LEGACY:
Hey Billy- are you really gonna dance in this thing? I’m not sure that’s…

BILLY JOEL:
Dude, I just married Christy Brinkley. Look at me. In her prime. I can do anything!

Or something like this.

CONCERNED FRIEND OF BILLY WHO UNDERSTANDS THE CONCEPT OF LEGACY:
Billy- you really think you can play a mechanic who works in a shop where all the other mechanics sing?

BILL JOEL:
Look at my face. Did I introduce you to my fucking wife, Christy Brinkley?

Or

CONCERNED FRIEND OF BILLY WHO UNDERSTANDS THE CONCEPT OF LEGACY:
Dude, what’s with the two random black kids break dancing?

BILLY JOEL:
Break dancing is very popular man, Christy thought it was a good idea. You know, I’m getting a lot of negativity from you dude. What the fuck?

CONCERNED FRIEND OF BILLY WHO UNDERSTANDS THE CONCEPT OF LEGACY:
Ah yeah, sorry man. I just, I guess, ah, forget I said anything. I’ll go get your notes on the “We Didn’t Start The Fire” song you were talking about.

BILLY JOEL:
All right man, that’s more like it. Good talk.

D) The 2 African American kids break dancing, out of no where, for no apparent reason.



I have no way of explaining this.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

What Sucks Saturday Spotlight… Rummy: Thanks For the Memor-sucks


The world of suckage took a major blow this week when Donald Rumsfeld resigned from his job as the Secretary of Defense. Rumsfeld leaves after serving 6 years in the President’s cabinet- a turbulent tenure during which America became familiar with the terms “Abu Ghraib”, “extraordinary rendition” and “Vitalis”.

Depending on what pissed you off the most about Rumsfeld- the arrogance, the way he told that solider you “go to war with the army you have, not the army you want” or the fact that for some reason he chose to stand at his desk during the work day, rather than sit, there’s one thing for sure- he’s leaving some giant suck shoes to fill. For example, will our next Secretary-- or Suck-ratary Of Defense be so comfortable boxing out our generals, usurping the Secratary of State and flipping people the bird on CNN?

We don't know.


Here's the clip via Crooks And Liars (it takes a little bit to get to) but to be honest who among us wouldn't have liked to flip off that damn, dirty hippy.

It's hard to believe that it wasn't too long ago that Rumseld was very popular- don't believe me, check out the image below.
Coming to a novelty store discount bin near you.

Now perhaps after the role the Iraq war played in this most recent election, the only one wearing these is…

And maybe…

As for Rummy, this week Germany said they may want to sek criminal charges against him for sanctioning torture of prisoners, let me be the 1000th person to make this joke- if Germany thinks you've gone too far with the way you've treated someone you're holding prisoner, yikes.


They've had better weeks.

Friday, November 10, 2006

What Sucks...The Reaper


Heaven is a little more grizzled today and the reaper is completely out of control.

Oscar winning actor Jack Palance was in 100's of movies before he did City Slickers and Cops and Robertsons. For some reason he was selected to host "Ripley's Believe It or Not" where every segment he did, be it about the world's fattest man or the longest recorded fingernails, would scare the shit out of me.

The reaper is hunting character actors like Vader hunted Jedi's. F him. (The reaper, I mean.)

As for Jack, I bet he's doing some one-armed push-ups for the Lord right now, and I bet she's laughing her black-ass off.



Jack Palance, RIP.

What Sucks...The Face Bra


How vain are we? How scared of wrinkles?

Death comes to us all- you cannot reverse the aging process! Wearing a face bra will not stop you from losing your man for a younger woman when you both hit middle age. Only fear of you taking 1/2 of all his assets will.

Let's use the laws that are already on the books, and stop putting bras on our faces!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

What Sucks...The Reaper



The Reaper has about 4 guys over the age of 90 to pick from on 60 Minutes, and he goes with Ed Bradley?

Who's next, reaper? Scott Pelley?

Nice job, a-hole.

Clearly he does not want to ride back in the Reaper mobile with Andy Rooney.

Who's next, Kroft??

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

What Sucks...The Lockhorns


Why don’t these two just get a divorce? What good is staying together doing? What keeps them together? The hate sex? Is it worth it?

The wear and tear is evident- did you know Loretta is only 32 years old? Leroy’s hyper-tension has him on the fast track for a pacemaker at the age of 43.

What is to be gained by staying together? That crummy house? Sell it- spilt the profits- get on with your lives!


Oh for Christ sakes!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

What Sucks...'Other Party' Options On Your Ballot


You think Democrats and Republicans suck?

Well they do. Seriously, they absolutely blow.

But Jesus, look at 3rd party options. They suck too.

You got Socialist Party Candidates, Communist Party Candidates, something called the US Taxpayers Party- the system is MAKING me vote for Bob Menendez!

Not like they were ever any good to begin with but 3rd party options in the last 25 years have really hit the shitter. Most recently we had the Reform Party, and the best they could do was Ross Perot and Jesse Ventura. Read that sentence again. Reform = an insane, billionaire dwarf and a governor who was a wrestler and in the film “Predator”.

The Green Party gave us Ralph Nader and thus, you might say, George W. Bush. Thanks a lot you environmentally conscious a-holes.

Now on the ballot we have something called the “Natural Law Party” or is it the “United Party”, because you know, in 2004 they merged. Oh to be at that meeting admist all the delegates, and yell out “Hey…who gives a shit?”

And of course the aforementioned “US Taxpayers Party". Here’s their website , I’ve looked at it about 4 times, (which is 2 over the amount of times I like to review something before I write about how it sucks on this blog), and I still don’t know what they stand for. They just keep saying “grassroots” a lot. I don’t think those fuckers vote for themselves.

Then there’s the Libertarian Party. Financially conservative, socially somewhat liberal, sounds good- you wonder why they haven’t been able to…oh, they love pot and are constantly high. Great.

Why remain on ballots? Has there ever been any chance of victory for any of these clowns? Why not combine all your support together and break double digits in some places?

Can you believe that there are worse parties than the 2 big ones?

Basically, if the ballot was etched out on a turd, it would be redundant.



Seldom Seen Bumper Sticker

What Sucks...This Guy



6 Months?!! Are you kidding me?

F this guy. I hope someone in the prison finds out what he did to get in there and then someone in general population shows this douche what happens to people like him.

And if you're reading this from prison and you realize there are no set guidelines to deal with "puppy cookers", get off your asses and think of something!

Side note, how bad does this woman's next husband have to screw up to be considered a bad guy?

Monday, November 06, 2006

What Sucks...Meth Mouth


Some things on this blog suck and don't need a long posting from me to tell you why. Here's one of them.

More nasty Meth Mouth shots...

Meth Mouth Gallery

Don't do drugs kids. Or at least don't do meth. Meth Mouth has to be the worst drug related mouth scenario out there. Much worst than pot mouth, which by the way is a mouth filled to capacity with Cap N' Crunch.


Responsible for 78 percent of pot mouth.