Friday, September 29, 2006

What Sucks...AOL's "Dead or Not Dead?" Quiz


First off- I'm not making this up. AOL is basically having a 10 question "Is this person dead or alive?", quiz on its website.

Hey AOL, these people really died, you mean bastards!

By the way, I love how it says, on the screen "The New AOL, we've changed". Yeah, you did man. You're kind of like a dick now.

Let's get to the quiz. They start off with some tricky ones...Jerry Lee Lewis.

Hmm, let's see- he's old. His nickname is "The Killer", a lot of his wives are dead...but no he lives.

Yes, got that one right! By the way, when you get it right, and the person is not dead, they plug your record.

After Tony Bennett- hello- alive, they throw a curve ball at you- they give you this...



The guy from Milli Vanilli- Fabrice Morvan. Milli Vanilli...guy killed himself, right?


Sensitive.


Wrong. It was the other guy. Rob Pilatus. AOL throws you a curve ball. And when you get it wrong, they let you know. Man AOL takes this seriously.

After Maurice Gibb (DEAD) you get Tammy Wynette and you better get that one right, or you're liable to get yourself a "stand by your painkillers" joke.


Stand by your painkillers? Come on.


After Smokey Robinson (ALIVE) you get all the way to Laura Branigan. A lot of these people died suddenly, and not so long ago. We all may play our celebrity dead games, but you know it's in private.

I got 7 out of 10. AOL was not impressed.



Neither was I.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

What Sucks...CNNMoney on CNN.com: What Sucks Perv Watch Vol. 2


Someone at CNN.com, specifically CNNMONEY is a huge perv and apparently hasn't heard this joke 100 times before.

You can bet this probably broke up another boring day at the office and cracked everyone up, because if you click on the link, you're brought to this page...



...where we see the actual headline and quote is that they need "NEW" hummers, pretty much killing the way the "we need hummers" joke reads.

Yes a big joke playing with a headline, no way anyone will notice, right?

Wrong. Perv watch notices and you are busted.

Hey CNN.com guys, get back to work, pervs!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

What Sucks...Movies Featuring Rob Reiner As An Actor


Come on.
The Muse? EdTV? Sleepless In Seattle?

The Story of Us? The First Wives Club? Alex & Emma?

Primary Colors? Bye Bye Love?

Suck. All of them.

Was he in "North" too? Must have been, that thing blew.

It’s hard to have high hopes for the upcoming “Everyone’s Hero” and that’s not just because it tells the story of a kid who finds a talking baseball that leads him to recovering a talking baseball bat that belongs to Babe Ruth.

As a director, the man brought us “Spinal Tap”, “Misery”, “Stand By Me”,“When Harry Met Sally” and “The Princess Bride” (which featured excellent performances from Andre the Giant and Chris Sarandon). As an actor he gave us poop.*

*as a director he also gave us poop with everything he’s done after 1992.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

What Sucks...An Apology to That's So Raven


It has come to my attention that a recent posting regarding the television show “That’s So Raven” (starring the talented Raven Symone) in which I articulate my issues with the show having fluffy storylines and being set in Afghanistan was conceived in error.

Upon further review, I have discovered that the show is not in fact set in Afghanistan but rather someplace in Northern California. In addition to this, it became evident to me shortly after my posting that the show is aimed at 11 year old girls, therefore the storylines upon re-examination seem to be appropriate.

Furthermore, all this information could have been attained with the most simple of internet searches. In light of this I would like to apologize to the cast and crew of That’s So Raven. As well as my niece.

Just for the record- That’s So Raven, is not set in Afghanistan, nor is the content inappropriate for girls aged 9-14.

What Sucks...That's So Raven


Who’s dating who?... What should Raven wear to the upcoming dance?...Will Raven be able to pass her trig midterm?

These are just some of the ridiculously shallow storylines to occur over the past season on the Raven Symone/ situated in Kabul, Afghanistan sitcom “That’s So Raven”.

Honestly, in a world where our country is engaged in a two front war on terror while at home Americans face uncertainty about their safety and their economic standing, is this the best we can do?

To set a sitcom in the volatile region of Kabul, where by countless reports we are seeing a reemergence of the Taliban, and then treat viewers to such cotton candy premises is truly a disservice to viewers in America and the world alike.

It’s obvious the forces behind “That’s So Raven” want to think that we live in a world where wacky parents can go too far in helping their kids with their science projects (A Fish Called Raven), where dads can be accidentally hypnotized into falling asleep whenever they hear the word “San Francisco”- and then have to go on a local morning show called “Hello San Francisco” (Wake Up Victor), and a girl and a guy, recent recipients of driver’s licenses, can chip in together to buy a car, and it be perfectly fine for girl to paint the car pink. (Driving Miss Lazy).

Well that’s a world that sadly, with the concerns of this day and age, simply doesn’t exist. Afghanistan is a dangerous place- long neglected by the world resulting in much pain for its inhabitants. Raven Symone and her producer’s refusal to look at its issues and problems is not only unfortunate, but blind.

And for their ignorance, you might even say “That’s So Pathetic”.

Monday, September 25, 2006

What Sucks…The Tampa Bay Buc’s Offensive Line


It's one thing to be unable to establish a ground game, it's another to have your quarterback lose his spleen.

That is just not effective pass protection. I don't know what you have to do- use 2 tight ends? Keep your running back in on 3rd down? An offensive coordinator should not have to run plays to protect someone's spleen.

And unless you have the Carolina Pather's defense in fanasy football AND your league gives points for "organ removal", you had to be disturbed by what happened yesterday to Chris Simms.

Tampa Bay O-Line was so bad, Simms is lucky he didn't wake up in a bathtub of ice, with a note nearby explaining to him that someone has taken his kidneys! (Happened to my friend's friend a couple of years ago.)

Now the kid is tough- he actually came back into the game after leaving for two plays, but never again will he march his team down a field, without worrying about who in the stadium has filled out their organ donor cards. Basically, for an offensive line to look worse, someone pretty much has to die.

Running back Cadillac Williams summed it up quite nicely "Yeah, they didn't really open up too many holes for me, but on the other side, at least I still have ability to fight off infection!" (I made that quote up.)

Look at these pictures- the guy got his ass kicked.


Ouch.



Illegal use of the spleen!





Season? How bout life?

What Sucks...Electric Pencil Sharpeners


Can there be a bigger waste of an electrical outlet? How often do you need to sharpen a pencil?

This thing makes waffle irons and rice cookers look like "go-to" household appliances.

Friday, September 22, 2006

What Sucks...13 Year Old Racist Twin Singing Group "Prussian Blue"


Sometimes on What Sucks, you have to take unpopular stands (www.what-sucks.blogspot. com/doctorswithoutborders/fakelink) this, however, is not one of those times.

But maybe for future star makers we can shine a spotlight on where the power (white) behind the throne of the singer/songwriters/Matt Hale sympathizers Prussian Blue, went wrong in designing their band and pinpoint exactly where the mistake was made that took them from being the next Hanson to…ahem...wait for it...the next Manson. (Everything in this post after that pearl, my friends, is gravy.)

Apparently Prussian Blue handlers were taking a page out of the Boy/ Girl Band playbook when they found a 13-year old sibling act with healthy, long, blonde hair who could play instruments.

However they soon got confused and took a page from the Turner Diaries when they had them write songs celebrating Rudolph Hess, race wars and denying the Holocaust.

More recently the duo came under heavy criticism when they offered to raise money and help only the white victims of hurricane Katrina. (What, when George Bush does it, it's okay?) Causing Kanye West to say “Racist twin singing groups don’t care about…oh nevermind.” Oddly, once again stunning a nearby Mike Myers.

The parents fault you say- probably. These girls, after all are young and at 13, haven’t fully entered their prime teen-age rebellion years, which for them considering their upbringing, will probably consist of donating time at a soup kitchen, before of course, dating black guys.

They’ll have a lot to rebel against. Their mother, from California, home schooled them, (almost always a good decision) and their step dad is such a fan of Nazi symbolism he has swastikas adorning his home and even registered one as his cattle brand, thus succeeding in making cows, racist.









Seig Moo.
Still, I think we’d all by their album before this latest offering from “The Who”.









Give it up already.

What Sucks...Fans Of Lonelygirl15: What Sucks Perv Watch V. 1


Okay so I’m a little late in weighing in on this but I checked out a couple of these Lonelygirl15 videos on youtube and yeah, I TOTALLY understand why there is such a huge deal made over them. I mean here you have this girl, 16 years old, talking into the camera, usually on an extreme close up, posting videos of herself and to me its crystal clear why her fans follow her so closely.

They're huge pervs.

No? Makes total sense that the telling of mundane, no interest stories of the adventures of Bree and Daniel would be such a sensation.

And some of you are mad at Lonelygirl for being fake? Maybe you're being fake when you look in the mirror and claim not to see a perv!

Yeah, I’m sure it was her gripping stories. Busted, pervs.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

What Sucks…Corrupt Governors Who Happen To Be Gay, On Oprah


Oprah has been played by Former NJ Governor Jim McGreevey. It's not entirely her fault though, McGreevey really did leave a lot out of his public statements.

For example, everyone remembers this…
“I am a gay American. Shamefully, I engaged in an adult, consensual affair with another man.”

When he should have said…
“I am a corrupt, Gay American. Shamefully, I engaged in an adult, consensual affair with another man while taking funds allocated for 9-11 safety, and paying them to a buddy of mine.”

You may remember this…
"Given the circumstances surrounding the affair and its likely impact upon my family and my ability to govern, I have decided the right course of action is to resign.”

When he should have said…
"Given the circumstances surrounding the affair and its likely impact upon my family and my ability to govern, I have decided the right course of action is to resign, lest people start thinking that all gay dudes are corrupt.”


That’s right, this dude was so corrupt as Jersey Governor, he came out of the closet in order to call attention away from his fraudulence- an unprecedented move, even in New Jersey! At least Former Sen. Bob "The Torch" Torricelli had the decency to resign in disgrace*.
*denotes: after being told repeatedly by everyone in the State.












Former Senator Bob Torricelli, just corrupt. (Not gay.)
Jim McGreevey is not, "no longer governor” because he is gay, he is no longer governor because he was dirty. Corruption has nothing to do with gayness- it’s not like he was bribed by someone with tickets to see Hugh Jackman in "The Boy From Oz". He wasn't changing New Jersey's slogan to "New Jersey and you, perfect together...in ass-less chaps!" (Sorry).

So please, remember Jim McGreevey- corrupt 1st, gay 2nd.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

What Sucks...The Song "Dear God"


Is this supposed to “guilt” God out or something?

I’m not thinking He was too moved. Although it probably did cause Him to consider the doctrine of free will as it applies to passive aggressiveness.

Take a look…
Lyrics
Video

For what it’s worth, God did not write back- although I did find that Jesus did- I guess He wasn’t able to restrain Himself. Check it out…

August 16, 1987

XTC
c/o EMI UK
United Kingdom

Fellas:

Thanks for the note. I just wiped my ass with it. Hey, here’s a tip, why don’t you be a little more sarcastic when you write songs? That way you’ll always be less well known than Flock of Seagulls.

Saw the video- that was some budget you were working with but trust me, every penny of the 300 bucks you spent shows up on the screen- just so you know $300 is what Men Without Hats spend on lunch everyday, but keep writing your songs- I’m sure the rest of the world will come around.

I’d like to address your letter line by line, let me first go to where you start whining like a bitch- oh wait, that’s the whole freaking thing, sorry I’ll be more specific. Actually, I’m not gonna dignify your “letter” by responding to it, except to say my Dad and I have little to do with people being lost at sea (Verse 4). WTF? You jack-holes must have really been hurting for a rhyme when you included that at the end.

In closing, thanks for the most painful 3:37 I’ve had in about 1, 953 years. I can’t wait to hear your follow up “Dear Man.” Go fuck yourselves.

Yours,
JC


Wish they had "a-Ha" money.


And the Lord said "Return to sender."



Nice video. WWO-GD. What would Okay-GO do?

What Sucks...Walking Sharks


All we fucking need.

Scientists discovered a previously unknown species of shark that can walk on its fins.
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/09/060918-walking-shark.html

Great, so one day we'll run from sharks. Terrific. I'll look forward to it. In the meantime, I'm buying a gun. I'll be safe I guess until they discover Bulletproof sharks.

Thanks God! Why not give sharks those cool Chinese Throwing Stars too?

Sharks can walk!

What Sucks...Extremists Protesting The Pope


All right, get over yourself, you have a problem with the Pope? Get in line.

Being pissed-off at the Pope is something we all share. Yes he insulted your faith, which is reprehensible and calls for a sincere apology- no doubt. But do you think you’re the only one who has a problem with this guy?

HE WAS IN THE HITLER YOUTH FOR CHRIST SAKES!

We're all togther in being annoyed by him- stop making this about you!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

What Sucks...iTunes Movies


It’s one week later and I have to say the much-heralded “movies available on iTunes era” sucks.

I appreciate the new iTunes 7 set up, got all my album art work going, but dare I say, the movies I’m seeing that are available, can also be found very easily in the “Sucks” section of any movie rental place in America.

There must be some mistake. Did I open up the iTunes new release section today and see as the first title offered “Glory Road”? My local public library isn’t even claiming that as a new release now. So I scroll down, but it only gets worse…

“Cassanova”? Are you shitting me? This is a film (along with Jude Law’s Alfie) that Blockbuster is legally prohibited from selling as “previously viewed” because no one fucking saw it.

Then, “Veronica Guerin”? Veronica Guerin is available on for my iPod? My only question is when will the 1985 Glenn Close vehicle “Maxie” come out? (Yes I said “Glenn Close vehicle”- look it up!)












You're shitting me.












Seriously, stop shitting me.















Coming to iTunes movies?
The iTunes titles go on and on- “The Hot Chick”, “Six Days, Seven Nights”, “Bicentennial Man”. Is this the most cutting edge marketing tool available to a consumer, or a stoop sale in Park Slope?

“Remember the Titans”, “Signs”, 1997’s “Grosse Point Blank”- thanks for making my iPod cable’s TNT.

You want me to watch “Duets” on my iPod? Sorry, I need the full theater experience for that my friend.

iTunes originally came out- kicked ass- allowed me to buy only the Eddie Money tunes I like, without having to buy the albums only to have iTunes movies come out and make me chose between “Gone In 60 Seconds” and “National Treasure”. Don’t make me make that choice. Please.

I guess I’m being a little harsh- not all the titles are bad I guess- they do have “Toy Story” and “The Incredible’s” and “Pirates of the Carribean”. For 12 dollars. Available to be watched on a 3 inch screen.

Friday, September 15, 2006

What Sucks...Spinach!



Add spinach to the list of things attacking America. Don't eat it, it's trying to kill you. I'm sure becuase of this, we'll invade cauliflower.

Fucked.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

What Sucks…The Soundtrack of “Network” as Opposed to the Soundtrack of “The Last Kiss”




Network was a great movie and all but after an extensive search, I can find no evidence that there was a soundtrack for this film and if there was, it’s certainly not something that has great songs and is available for purchase now. I don’t want to tell the “Network people” how to run a film, but having a successful soundtrack out there can really help your movie.

The same problem certainly does not apply to the film “The Last Kiss”. Man, check out this soundtrack- indie rock galore. The Last Kiss people, director Tony Goldwyn (the bad guy from Ghost) and Zach Braff (Garden State) do not need to hear from me how to put together a soundtrack for a film.

Perhaps Network could take a page from their playbook.


Last Kiss 2, Network 0

What Sucks...Dancing With The Stars


I don’t understand the success of this show. Does America know what it’s about? Why are they tuning in to watch Harry Hamlin (Making Love, Clash of the Titans) and a bald Joey Lawrence dance in such huge numbers?

I could see as a goof once or twice, but this is season three. They’ve already watched the guy who played J. Peterman from Seinfeld, and George Hamilton dance.

And why is NFL All-Time rushing leader Emmitt Smith on this show? And why was NFL great Jerry Rice on it last year? Are they having money problems? Why do some of the greatest football players of modern time dancing on this show?

And none of these people, with the exception of the football players, are stars. Do you realize you’re watching Tucker Carlson dance?

And there’s it’s not like there’s nothing else on. “House” is on. You could watch “House”, it’s about a doctor with an attitude. From everything I read, it seems to be a very good show.














Who the hell are these people?

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

What Sucks...Snakes!


Who the fuck do snakes think they are lately? They are completely out of control.
Look at this fucking snake. Yeah, you guessed it, he went and ate an entire pregnant sheep in one fucking gulp.

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,20372915-5006003,00.html

Look at you- you look ridiculous! With this behavior, tell me again how I'm wrong to be afraid of you and want you all dead. Tell me again why I should speak up and give human's crap when they try and develop the land you live in, in order to make homes or theme parks or whatever for people? I’m right about this- you slither with your tongues flickering out of your mouth all the time, many of you are poisonous and you regularly shed your skin. I should leave you around so you can swallow sheep?

And look at this snake- HE ATE AN ELECTRIC BLANKET AND HAD TO GET SURGERY!


And who paid for that surgery? Another snake? I don't think so.

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm over-reacting. Maybe snakes are beautiful, misunderstood creatures...



Or maybe they explode after trying to eat an aligator!

What Sucks...The Trailer for "Network" As Opposed To The Trailer For "The Last Kiss"


Network was a great movie, but man, what a shitty trailer. Take a look at it here- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074958/trailers-screenplay-E10932-10-2

This trailer sucks. It kind of starts off well, but then it completely goes to crap. The sound is horrible, the graphics suck and it basically gives the whole movie away. Hey guy who did the Network trailer, you know a good, general rule of thumb when your putting one of these together can be that the trailer should technically be shorter than the actual film.

What happened? Didn't feel like including the scene when William Holden tells his wife he's leaving her? Jeez, just about everything else made it. It's a wonder anyone went to see this thing at all!

A trailer should tease and leave an audience with questions about the film that they just have to have answered.

Take a look at how a trailer should be made...

http://www.apple.com/trailers/dreamworks/thelastkiss/trailer-medium.html


Oh yeah...now thats a movie!

Music works, it's a perfect length, there's a scene in the film where Blythe Danner is in a glass cage. Zach Braff can't decide which almost indistinguishable hot chick to be with and apparently, after getting some sound advice from his dad, he stays outside a doorway all night. Man I am stoaked to see The Last Kiss!


Now that's more like it.

Monday, September 11, 2006

What Sucks...9-11 Cuddle Parties
























Just so you know, there is one scheduled for today by the good Cuddle Party people.

http://www.cuddleparty.com/CuddleReg/default.cfm?referrer=default (scroll down to NY).

Apparently its an annual event, answering what was seemingly an impossible question to answer- how can a Cuddle Party, a party where people pay to gather at a stranger’s apartment to cuddle each other, get more creepy?

By tying in 9-11 to it.

ED's NOTE: Sorry I'm posting this so late, for those of you who want to mourn, AND grind your chubby up against some stranger's leg, there's always next year.

Hey Cuddle Party People, stay away from my 9-11, you freaks!

What Sucks...MSNBC


In one of the worst ideas of all time, MSNBC today re-ran more than 3 hours of its original 9-11 coverage, as it appeared in 2001, on the Today Show, in real time.

9-11 as a repeat. I couldn't believe it myself, until I looked at my local listings...

8:46 AM: Channel 21 (TV Land) Get Smart (r) Max and 99 spoil a bank heist.
8:46 AM: Channel 22 (A&E) Night Court(r) Bull moves in with Dan Fielding.
8:46 AM: Channel 23 (MSNBC) 9-11 (r) A plane smashes into tower one
8:46 AM: Channel 24 (DISC) American Choppers (r)

Hey MSNBC, September 11th is not a holiday classic. It is not "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", nor is it "A Wonderful Life", nor is it "Ziggy's Gift".









Not 9-11

What Sucks...The War on Terror


A lot has been said about the War on Terror- thousands of hours of TV, hundreds of news stories examining what we’ve learned and where we’re vulnerable- and while I don’t want to bore you with some long winded take on the news and the huge media orgy that has ensued with the marking of 9-11's 5th anniversary, I DO think someone should take a minute to say...

..ah, this is awkward...

Bin Laden is still free.

Yeah, this just in, the guy who masterminded the worst attack in the history of the US…not caught.

And I only mention it because, well, no one else is mentioning it. 24-hour news coverage, with 2 major cable news networks (3 if you count MSNBC) and Osama can’t get arrested. Literally.

What the hell happened? Did we give up? Do we not care? We're going to have to start boobie-traping hammocks if we want to kill this guy.

And why isn't this the lead story of every newscast? Every night there should be a bug on the bottom of the screen, with Bin Laden, on a beach, and the number of days he’s been out there right next to it.

Let me put it to you this way- if before 9/11, someone told Bin Laden he would be able to pull off the worst attack in the history of this country AND still get 5 years afterward to kick around, he would have said “I’ll take it!”

And I know people say “Yeah, well, Bin Laden is nailed down in a specific area, it’s not like he’s out there doing whatever he wants…”

Oh, so what? We’ve made him uncomfortable? The guy is behind the most horrible, evil event of my lifetime and what's his punishment? He can’t go to the theater? What, so he has to wait to see "Wedding Crashers" on DVD?

Who would have thought he would have lived to see the Red Sox win a championship.

Remember when Bush said “Wanted Dead or Alive”? Right now I'd settle for “wanted”.

What Sucks…Best Week Ever Podcasts on September 11th!


Look, Best Week Ever’s podcasts are called “Best Night Ever” and they ran one on September 11th.

Check it out:(Scroll down to September 11)
feed://feeds.feedburner.com/vh1_bestweekever

I'm thinking they should have taken the night off. No one ever needs to hear “It’s Monday, September 11th and I’m having the Best Night Ever!"


This should never be seen.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

What Sucks...Jellyfish



There will be many things discussed on this blog that suck, but perhaps none will so universally suck as much as the jellyfish. LOOK at them, they’re nasty. A translucent head floating around the ocean with tentacles that inject poison into you if they brush up against your skin…way to go creating this, God! Nice, what, was this in your whole “Mosquito, Tick, Badger” phase”? Dickmunch.













Good work on the jellyfish there, pal.
Here’s a few facts-
Like MSNBC’s Rita Crosby*, they have no heart, no brain, and generally, can’t even swim**. (They usually just float wherever the current takes them.)








May be a nice person. I don't know.

They also have what is called an “incomplete digestive system”, which means, basically, their asses are their mouths (Thanks Wikipedia!)

Finally, here’s how bad these things suck- when one stings you, to treat the pain, somebody has to piss on your leg. Again, just like MSNBC’s Rita Crosby***.









Will never be someone's pet.

*denotes: Author does not know Rita Crosby personally, she could very well be a douchebag but also, could you know, be very nice.
**denotes: Author has no idea if Rita Crosby can swim.
***denotes: Author does not really know for sure if Rita Crosby stings, and if so, whether or not urinating on said stinging will do any good.