Tuesday, December 05, 2006

What Sucks...Your Mom's New Boyfriend


Oh, he sucks. There’s no way around it.

His potbelly sucks. So, does his crew-cut or if it applies, comb over. It sucks the way he tucks his flannel shirts into his jeans. Sometimes there’s a vague “talc” scent to him, that sucks.

His car sucks- some recent model Pontiac that he really works hard to keep clean- the carpet is vacuumed and the interior reeks of air fresheners. The EQ of his radio is totally set by him, as if he can make his crappy, recycled “motown” music- the kind you’ve heard a million times, the kind he professes to love but you have heard so many times you can’t imagine there would be any personal connection to- the “My Girl’s”, and “Bernadette’s” you hear at countless bad weddings, sound any better. Every time he pulls up you’re hit by a wave of adult contemporary the likes of which you’ve never seen- yes, George Thorogood, Bob Seegar and yes, the dreaded Michael McDonald. Not that I would want this, could a guy into your mom ever like The Cure?

He has a somewhat estranged relationship with his own kids. His daughter is overweight- the kind of overweight that comes from being totally stressed out and turning to food for comfort. She hasn’t cut him off though, she’s trying to maintain a relationship with him and every once in a while he has a day where he sees his grandchild and tries to rebuild his relationship with her. He talks a lot about WW2, thinking he knows a lot about it however it soon becomes evident all he knows is stuff he picked up from the History channel.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Perhaps if you hadn't caused your parents' divorce...?

Jenna said...

Is that an actual picture of your moms new boyfriend, or did you search for creepily sly smiling man on google images?

PS not post related, but I have OCD and in your, "what sucks...mission" It reads, "it can be called it out" that is one to many it's my friend and it's driving me nuts.

Anonymous said...

That's one too few Os there in "too", Jenna.

- z

Jenna said...

Don't talk down to me dude, I got my GED.