Tuesday, October 31, 2006

What Sucks...The Flapper Costume

Ladies, for Halloween this year let’s put the 1920’s Flapper costume to sleep.

You have so many choices of what you can be- a sexy nurse, sexy cat, sexy pirate wench, sexy witch, sexy devil, sexy school-girl, belly-dancer or gypsy.

You can be a sexy Tarzan wife, sexy Pocahontas, sexy French maid, sexy Maryann and/ or Ginger, sexy Jailbird, sexy Raggedy Ann (I’ve seen it) or Wonder Woman.

You can break new ground and go as Shakira, Jessica Beil or even, if you’re a fan of more obscure costumes, Kathleen Turner from Body Heat.

Why chose to be a 1920’s, a-sexual, anti-prohibition, hair in a bob, girdle wearing, cigarette holder smoking, Charleston dancing Flapper? That’s definitely not the cat's pajamas.

One of many possibilities.

Or honor our ancestor, the cavewoman.


What Sucks…Brach’s Candy

These are the fuckers responsible for some of the worst candy on the face of the Earth. As a brand, they have made some of the nastiest candy you’ll ever see, and yes America, they’ve been doing it for years.

Check out their website…Brach's crap

Look at some of the names of the candies that they are selling. I’m amazed this shit qualifies as food. You have these pumpkin things, which are basically reshaped Candy Corn.

…something called a “jelly nougats” (looks like head cheese)

…Circus Peanuts- to which one could ask, are these really meant to be eaten? And can a human digestive system, digest them?

…something that can only be described as “chewy treats”.

And also, this... Which I actually think is called "nasty looking shit".

Oh and Brach's, when Christmas comes around and you dye the color of your candy corn from brown, yellow and orange to green and red, and when Valentine's Day comes and you dye the color of your candy corn from brown, yellow and orange to pink and white, and when D-Day commemoration day comes around and you dye the color of your candy corn to olive-green and red (which I think is in bad taste), know that you are fooling no one, and that everyone knows you are still trying to unload your shitty candy corn.

What Sucks...Candy Corn

Is Candy Corn the single most repulsive Halloween candy? Because I don’t know anyone who likes them.

As a matter of fact, and I think I speak for all kids when I say this, if you bought a bag of this yellow, orange and brown shit to give out to trick or treaters this year, do us all a favor and just don’t open the door when it’s knocked on today, because you don’t get it.

Admit it, you gave up. You quit on Halloween and trick or treaters and you should be ashamed.

When you bought candy corns, you walked into some supermarket or drug store, passed countless bags of perfectly fine bite sized Twix’s, Milky Ways or 100 Grand bars, and grabbed a bag of something that clearly has been laying in the store since 1982.

You said, “No, I’ll stay away from the fun pack of Skittles, and instead give out these things that are made of wax, taste nothing like corn and look like homeless people’s teeth."

Monday, October 30, 2006

What Sucks...Oprah

Hey Oprah, WTF?!

Thanks for the $1000 dollar debit card that I can only spend on charitable causes. No seriously, this is much better than giving me a brand new car or paying off all my debt. Great, I will love going around giving away money I could totally use, you sadistic megalomaniac!

Maybe this month you’ll be on the cover of “O” and “Mind Fuck Weekly”.

Let me ask you a question is the "Get Stedman A Sack" a charitable cause? These people expected sailboats!

At least when you go see Maury you know what you’re getting- (usually an STD).

What Sucks...Goblins

Goblins. I’m not impressed. Easily the worse mythical Halloween creature. Are kids really supposed to be scared of these things?

I can see demons, flesh eating zombies or ghosts with no heads riding on horses scaring the shit out of you, but Goblins? They’re more annoying than anything else.

Check out the short list of stuff they’re famous for…(from the very spiritual Wikipedia).

Here are some highlights.
- They hide small objects, tip over pails of milk and alter signposts.
- They steal horses and ride them all night, returning them by morning thus causing your horse to be exhausted.
- When they laugh, milk goes sour.
- And when speaking in human they often refer to themselves in the 3rd person.

Wow. I’m scared, a bad-ass gnome.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

What Sucks...Yahoo's Most Emailed News Stories

You've got to be shitting me- these are the most popular news stories being emailed around?

(I apologize for the crudely drawn circle- photoshop is much too complex for me, plus I have lobster claws as hands and they don't lend themselves well to making circles on my mousepad.)

But seriously, are you telling me at 989 people emailed the story about the eyelash transplant to their friends?

And did you get a story about curry keeping elderly minds sharp this morning? Cause 332 people did when I last checked Yahoo.

Isn't there a war going on? Didn't someone win the World Series last night?

The subject titles?
300: Grandma, eat more curry.
32: Don't give grandma any more curry- I need that inheritance!

And clearly 60 Minutes this weekend will lead with a story about people in England stuggling with the time change.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

What Sucks...Airplane Bathrooms

Going to the bathroom on a plane- the worse experience of your life? Pretty close, right? Did you know that a recent survey said the only place more stressful to "go" in, is Baghdad.

If ever there was something which sucked thoroughly, I mean from beginning to end, it might be the experience of going into a bathroom on an plane. First of all, there's so much bacteria there, you can basically see it with the naked eye. Public toilet seats are disgusting in stationary bathrooms- by the time you’re in an airplane, traveling at 400 MPH, with any turbulence at all, let's face it, everyone using it is shooting at best, 60 percent.

Plus, they’re tiny. Are we contortionists? I heard once that 2/3 of all men who attempt to sit on an airplane toilet end up blowing themselves.

The sink is the worst in the world. We have to be able to do better here- don’t tell me we lack the technology- we’re flying for Christ sakes. Why is the plunger constantly down? Are we supposed to be using that water?

And the door. A bending door that also activates the light only gives you the feeling that you are in a refrigerator, where you are allowed to shit.

The announcement that you shouldn’t tamper with the smoke detector there is also bothersome. What, are people going into the airplane lavatory with an old novel, dismantling the smoke detector and lighting up a pipe? I'm sickened by the stories of people who join the mile high club in there- who can remain sexually aroused with that smell surrounding you? Besides Germans.

Yes, vacant of hope of not experiencing something awful.

What Sucks...Rush Limbaugh

(I know, getting very political lately. Sorry. I’ll try and to at least keep the level of discourse high, bear with me.)

Hey Rush Limbaugh, fuck you!

(Shit, sorry.)

Rush Limbaugh is convinced Michael J. Fox is exaggerating his symptoms for Parkinson’s disease in a recent ad for Missouri Senate hopeful Claire McCaskill. If you haven’t seen it yet, check it out here… Michael J. Fox Ad

He continues to claim that Michael J. Fox is acting or went off his medication, even after one physician after another points out that when Parkinson’s patients go off their medication, they experience a loss in movement, not an increase- and that the increase in movement Fox is showing is in fact a side effect of the medication.

But he's freaked out before about Michael J. Fox's appearance. Remember the stink he cuased when this came out ?

Acting? The guy was in Life With Mikey.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

What Sucks...Madonna

I think she stole a kid.

I think she stole a kid and then went and bullshat Oprah about it.

Granted, I'm sure the kid is not dying to go back home- he's probably crying with joy as he awaits for his new PS3- not at all missing his old toys, "puddle and rock", but still, can Madonna so this?

Either way, she definitely sucks check out her “Suck Resume”...

And keep in mind, her suck resume is so chock full, to keep it to one page, she had to take off “Fucked Warren Beatty”, “Used A Burning Cross in a Video”, “Dated Vanilla Ice” and “Was in the Matthew Modine Vehicle ‘Vision Quest’”.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

What Sucks...This Republican National Committee Ad (Especially the Casting!)

I really don't know much about the Senate race in Tennessee other than this negative political ad really, really sucks.

It's not so much that it is more insulting than other negative ads in it's content or intention, it's bad I guess, but what really sucks about it and what is really offensive is just how crappy a job was done by the people who put it together. Check it out, it has got to be the worst shot, worst written and by far worst cast political ad ever.

It's an insult to the people it's targeted to.

Where do we start? First off, where is this thing supposed to be shot? On Saracstic Avenue in Downtown Sarcasticville? Is there a town in Tennessee made up equally of sardonic, passive aggressive dickheads and complete morons? (I mean other than Knoxville? Just kidding- go Vols!)

And what about the "playboy party girl". In what galaxy does someone who looks like that get to attend a Playboy party? Jimmy Caan would have her ass thrown out of there in 2 seconds. And while we're at it, what the fuck is a "Playboy party"? A party at the mansion? Is that what Heff is calling them now? Are you telling me he'd let her in? I'm not even sure he'd let Harold Ford in.

And what about the gavone they cast as the "porn guy"? Why is he walking the streets in TN? Is there a lot of porn made there? And why is he insinuating that we all take money from porn movie producers? What porn movie producer is trying to buy favors in Tennessee? And did someone actually approve him wearing those sunglasses as a character choice?

And no, I don't think that survivalist dude with the face make-up in that commercial has enough guns. Let's give him more.

Jeezus that sucked.

Monday, October 23, 2006

What Sucks...Overpopulation: What Sucks Perv Watch V.4

We just hit 300 million people a few days ago, now in less than 40 years we're gonna hit 400 million? Hey America, slow down the "F-ing"!

Why can't we seem to keep our hands off each other? 400 million people? Do you have any idea how many people that is? You think it's hard to find parking now? We're gonna be the world's only super power, with sore private parts!

And don't tell me this is an immigration thing- this is about good old fashion American love making- everyone is so romantic. Well, how romantic are the Food Wars of the mid 21st century going to be?

That's 100 million more babies in the next 40 years- our national anthem should be a Barry White song!

Take a freaking cold shower or read a book every once in a while, you pervs!

The new Francis Scott Key.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

What Sucks...Jared Leto and Emo Rock

I don't get the whining, I don't get the self-tortured lyrics and I don't get the eyeshadow.

Am I a square? I just don't think Robert Plant ever left his house looking anything like this....

Or this...

And he never took a picture with Stephen Baldwin!

I don't even think Falco left the house with that much make-up (at least when he wasn’t in character).

And he's not the only one...

Am I an old fart already? A band's influences should not be Iron Maiden AND Morrissey! Paint your mirrors black- not the areas under your eyes!

Friday, October 20, 2006

What Sucks...Stingrays

It's always a friggin' accident with these things. WTF?

Wake up America, Stingrays are out of control and have a thirst for blood.

Maybe, MAYBE you could make a case for them killing the Crocodile Hunter dude, becuase lets face it, he had fucked with countless alligators and crocodiles throughout his life, but this last guy was an 81 year old fisherman.

Who's next? When will we care? The Stingray death toll now stands at 2.

The 1st in a series of Stingray victims.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

What Sucks...Rockwell's "Somebody Watching Me" As Make-Out Music

Yeah, terrific song depicting a seemingly paranoid man's frenetic view of the world, but let me save you some trouble here, it just does not impress the ladies nor in any way, get them in the mood. If anything, you'll find the song makes them a little uncomfortable.

Here's the video.

To be honest, I'm not even sure if Rockwell himself make out with a woman to this. Of course that's understandable as he was clearly wracked with mistrust of all those around him.

The song is unsettling- take away the colorful beat and catchy melody, and it reads like Edgar Allen Poe right before he died.

"When I'm in the shower, I'm afraid to wash my hair- I might open my eyes and find someone standing there." Clearly the words of a confused and tortured man who as you see by the end of the song was convinced he was under surveillance by the IRS.

An early 80's pop hit, or Brian Wilson sandbox era-esque cry for help? We may never truly know, but we do know this- it's not good make out music, even if your a lesbian.

Ed Recomendations- Check out Led Zeppelin II, it's got all you need.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

What Sucks...Bush On Space

Hey a-hole, worry about earth right now.

I mean I'm glad we're safe from Klingons and the fish guy from Return of the Jedi in case he goes all rogue on our asses, but ah, you know, how do I put this, ah…Iraq? North Korea? Mark Foley, you tremendous douchebag.

And before I get a bunch of angry comments here because I have "overstepped my bounds" or something, let me just say relax everyone, I know Admiral Ackbar would never go "all rogue on our asses".

Not a threat.

So thanks for taking a day off and setting the Space thing straight, dickweed- maybe next week, can you do something about The Others?

An ass.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

What Sucks…Lou Diamond Phillips As An Actor, Husband

Recently arrested Lou Diamond Phillips is quick approaching the very rare suck tri-fecta in which someone sucks equally in three different areas.

Currently, after turns in movies such as…everything he’s done, more specifically...ah yeah, everything he’s done it’s clear he sucks as an actor.

After earlier this month getting arrested on spousal abuse charges, and after having his 1st wife leave him for another woman, safe to say he blows as a husband.

As for the 3rd element- it’s anyone’s guess. There is a very good chance he may already suck at something, we just don’t know about it. Is he a dad? I don’t know- if he is, what are the chances he doesn’t suck? Does he play an instrument? Again, chances are very good if he does, he sucks. Is he a hockey player? Lou Diamond Phillips has to be very careful- the suck trifecta is closing in on him.

Monday, October 16, 2006

What Sucks…Cat Power As Make-Out Music*

Look, as a songwriter, she’s very talented, and she certainly offers some very interesting takes on other people’s songs in concert, but as far as getting a woman “in the mood”, she sucks. If she’s playing in the background, and you’re trying to get busy, get it off. I don’t care if you’re making out with your wife or just saved the life of the girl you were with- she will kill the mood. And with some of her music, especially anything off of "Moon Pix" reports of it taking a week to ten days to recover, are not uncommon.

Ed. note- keep a copy of Led Zeppelin III with you- as an effective remedy to the CP.

Gets the job done.

*Denotes: This does not apply to lesbians.

What Sucks…Robin Williams’ “Man Of The Year”, Although I’ll Never See It

Robin Williams' “Man Of The Year” seriously, seriously blows as a movie and I say this as someone who has not, nor will ever see it.

Williams in it, hits new lows in un-funniness at one point apparently donning a George Washington, Revolutionary War-Time wig in what I can only imagine is just a profoundly un-humorous sequence in the film that takes place in the back of a limo. Also, in the limo he presents the idea of naming Bruce Springsteen as his Secretary of State, eliciting in the theater, what I can only imagine as an “uncomfortable silence”. Like the Boss would work for a guy who wears a George Washington wig.

Also, he apparently, as far as I can tell from the trailer, stands at a podium and comments that although he has not “had sex with that woman”, he “wanted to”, referring to the Bill Clinton/ Monica Lewinsky scandal which took place in 1998-99.

It is now 2006.

Finally, Jeff Goldblum is apparently in the film, extending his streak of crappy movies (with the exception of his appearances on Crank Yankers, and possibly Life Aquatic) to approximately 19 films, dating back to 1993.

Jurassic Park- good movie.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

What Sucks…The “Freedom Fries” Guy, Congressman Bob Ney

Going to “Freedom Jail”. Maybe to be someone’s “Freedom Bitch”.

Bob Ney, the Republican congressman, or if you work for FOX News, the Democratic congressman, was convicted yesterday, pleading guilty to making false statements and taking bribes from Jack Ambramoff and his clients.

Ney is the guy who changed French Fries to “Freedom Fries” on the House food service menu because he was pissed that France was not participating on the Iraq invasion. Here are some other things he may soon be changing-

Shiv to “Freedom Shiv”.
Jailhouse Ink, to “Freedom Jailhouse Ink”.
Boof to “Freedom Boof”.
Booty Checks to “Freedom Booty Checks”.
Shank to “Freedom Shank”.
Cigarettes for him to trade for his ass to “Freedom Cigarettes for him to trade for his ass”.

But honestly, he’ll probably do some time, if any, in one of those country club places, where he’ll probably only need to have “Freedom Booty Checks.”

Friday, October 13, 2006

What Sucks...Screech

Screech wants you to pay 50 dollars to watch him give a woman a “Dirty Sanchez”.

Translated, that means, and I’m sorry for being so graphic, Screech wants you to pay 50 bucks to watch him put his privates in a woman’s behind, pull it out, then paint her a mustache with his thing.

I say “No.”

No Screech, I will not pay you 50 dollars to see that.

With this new sex tape, that whole selling t-shirts to save his house bullshit, and of course playing, Screech, in Saved By The Bell, Screech has cemented himself as a leading douchebag of his generation.

I don’t know who out there has 50 bucks to spend on watching Screech have sex and give someone a “Dirty Sanchez”, but if you’re thinking of buying it let me implore you to please take a minute and look in the mirror.

You are about to spend 50 bucks on a Screech sex tape. In it, he does something disgusting. It doesn’t have to go down like this though. There is still time.

You know, there’s a lot you can do with 50 dollars. You can buy some porn that doesn’t have Screech in it, giving someone a “Dirty Sanchez”. There are so many worthy porn stars out there- people who have worked hard in to deliver video to you that entertains and entices. People like…well, anyone other than Screech.

Do you want to live in a world where a sex tape of Screech is a money-maker? Don’t we want to send a message to future Screeches who think they can put out a sex tape to make themselves relevant? Do you want to see an Urkel sex tape? All right, clearly the answer is “yes” to that one, so, bad example but do you REALLY want to know if there’s a market out there for this?

Bring that shit on.

And don’t tell me you feel bad for Screech because he has to deal with life after “Saved By The Bell” and “Saved By The Bell: The College Years”. Why is Mark-Paul Glosselaar not asking me buy a tee shirt so he can save his house? Why hasn’t Mario Lopez released a sex tape yet? (And what’s taking him so long!) If it’s so hard to have a career after “Saved By The Bell”, why have Tiffany Amber Thiessen and Jesse Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) been able to carve out careers for themselves that have included roles in the brilliant “Good Morning Miami” and “Showgirls” respectively?

When did we all become Screech’s guardian? Say “no” to Screech giving someone a DS, and say yes, to so much more.

Huge Douchebag.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

What Sucks…Pilots/ Anything Else

Just be a pilot. Flying is a full time job.

You are in the air, traveling in something made of metal that is very heavy- let’s lose the “slash”.

Being a “pilot/ famous magazine editor” or a “pilot/ country music singer” or yes, a “pilot/ major league baseball player” only leads to being a “pilot/ dead guy”.

Flying is not a hobby. It is not collecting stamps.

Think of your best friend in the world- the person who you know would do ANYTHING for you- be there any time- it could be your brother, your sister, your husband or your wife...

...would you get in a plane with them if they told you they could fly?

Hell no. Let's keep the slash out of the sky.

Pilot- in his free time, he worries about flying in the sky.

What Sucks...The Drudgereport 8:26 AM


Hey Drudge, I think Hallmark has an opening in it's "Cards For Every Occasion, From Douchebags" department.

The NY Post.com has something similar.


Get it? The Yankees' nickname is "The Bombers!"

It's not so much that the guy died and that he has left a wife and a little kid behind, as much as it is that the joke by Drudge and the Post is so shitty.

Why not just run a headline reading "Low & Outside!" or "Lidle Loses It In The 40th!"

Since I posted this, Drudge has taken down any mention of the incident, no doubt to give us the latest outrageousness to come out of Barbara Streisand's mouth. (The guy covers her a lot. Sheesh, come out already!)