Wednesday, August 16, 2006

What Sucks...Lohan's Deathwish

She’s not even trying to hide it anymore.

The partying, the on again off again relationships with Wilmer Valderama and food, the battles with “dehydration” (liquor) and “heat exhaustion” (malt liquor)- let's be honest- the way she’s going, Lohan may not make it past the weekend.

Then, after getting publicly called out by the head of Morgan Creek pictures, last week she pulls an “I want to go to Iraq” announcement out of her ass.

Iraq! She's lighting up the Chateau Marmont Belushi style, can’t make it to a set on time, is having more hospital visits than Congressman John Murtha and now wants to go to the most dangerous place on earth.

Lohan has kicked it up a notch.

Today, she talks about Sex & The City inspired casual relationships with men.

Looks like when you break it down, Lindsay is just as impressionable as many young women her age who find themselves influenced by a glamorous, popular television show, only to learn the hard, universal truth later in life that no man in the real world, with any self-esteem, would ever want to be with someone like Charlotte.

We are officially at Lohan Deathwatch DEFCON 5. You might as well start building a size 2 coffin.

Determined to live fast and leave a hot corpse

What Sucks...The Reaper

He has taken Bruno Kirby from us. Great in City Slickers, great in When Harry Met Sally, not so great in Basketball Diaries. With the recent passings of Jack Warden, Paul Gleason, Dennis Weaver and Don Knotts, The Reapers unrelenting war on quality character actors continues.

Way to go, Reaper. Asshole.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

What Sucks…What Used Be "PAX"

What used to be "PAX" and is now "i" is, and I'm not shitting you, running a Mama's Family Marathon this weekend. Seriously, look at their homepage,, a Mama’s Family Marathon.

Mama’s Fucking Family. Fucking Mama. Fucking Vinton. Fucking Naomi. Mara-fucking-thon. And no, a-hole, if you call it a “Mama-thon”, that doesn’t make it all right.

This is some sad shit. Check out the schedule-

8PM - 9PM: Mama’s Family (back to fucking back)
9PM – 10PM: Billy Ray Cyrus "Doc" Show (not first run)
10PM – 11PM: Diagnosis Murder
11PM: You face facts that you are an elderly person who is being neglected* (Highest Rated Hour)

I may be overstating this here, let me know if I am but I think we can do better than live in a world where there are Mama’s Family Marathons. I know shit is fucked up and all but, come on.

And what kind of sorry-ass staff meeting must it have been when guy from programming announced he acquired the rights to Mama's Family? "Hey everyone, fucking kill me, we're having a 'Mama-thon'." Did someone else say "Oh great, douchebag, what happened? Did you not feel like laying out the extra 10 bucks for Mr. Belvedere?”

You know, I once was stuck in an elevator with Ken Berry for 12 hours and he never mentioned the show once. He knew it was not something to be proud of. Sure, he went on and on about F Troop and I couldn’t shut him up about his one time guest spot on Small Wonder (he fucked the girl, she was really a robot), but Momma’s Family? Not a peep.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

What Sucks...The poster for KyleXY.

The Poster for "KyleXY"
I'm supposed to get excited for this show just because the guy doesn't have a naval? I'm sorry, I need more. Also, do you think I'm a dick? This was clearly done in Photoshop. The show might be good, but this poster SUCKS.

What Sucks...Ann Coulter Sucks

Yeah, I know, she’s such an easy target I almost feel bad about this but…come on, she really sucks. Big time. I mean “blowing monkeys in hell”, sucks. So, sorry, but I can’t just start a blog like this with her out there and then open with a post about ATM fees or Isiah Thomas- although those things suck and will have their day.

And I know she made her egregious comments about the 9-11 widows a few weeks ago but in all fairness, she does keep repeating them every time she goes on TV- so in my book, for now- she’s relevant. Plus, she’s recently added a whole “Bill Clinton is gay”, “Al Gore is a fag” thing to her repertoire, which is just not funny- and not because she uses the unfortunate
Zeke sucks.
term “fag”- but because...Jesus, check it out for yourself- she sucks.

So with her compulsive 9-11 widow bashing and piss-poor attempts at humor coinciding with the birth of this blog, I feel compelled, if not duty bound in my inaugural posting to say… “Ann Coulter sucks.”

Now there’s a lot written on the web about her and while I don’t want to sound vulgar, I have to tell it like it is. Fact - if you google “Ann Coulter” and “Cunt” you get 94,000 hits.

To give you an idea of how incredible that is, if you google just the word “cunt” you only get 48 thousand (thats a joke) – what I’m saying is, it’s no secret, she blows. But with so much on the web devoted to what a monster she is, the challenge for this blog becomes more “How do we say she sucks?”

Do we try and take her 9-11 widow argument on point by point, crumbling it lie by sad lie? No. Been done 1000 times, all over the web.

Do we try to point out her thesis is being obscured by her way too harsh rhetoric? No. Been done by Donnie Deutsch.

No, I think we’ll talk a little about what she said, and then follow that by making fun of what she looks like. Sound good?

Here’s the heavy part- I’ll go as quick as I can.

When Ann Coulter calls 9-11 widows “harpies” and adds she’s “never seen anyone enjoy their husband’s death so much”, two things become evident, one- there’s something seriously wrong with her, and two- she clearly has no idea who Anna Nicole Smith is.

Anna Nicole Smith- enjoyed husband's death
The fact of the matter is, what Ann Coulter said and continues to say about the 9-11 widows is in every way, shape and form, repugnant. It’s offensive and disrespectful to anyone who has suffered grief caused by sudden loss and witnessed and/or lived through 9-11. On top of that, it is just a sad-ass, uninspiring, thing to say. I mean, it just makes 94 thousand hits seem a little low.

What Coulter doesn’t understand is that 9-11 widows get to express their views. When your husband is eviscerated in the worst attack on American soil ever, you get to get to speak out against the President. It's a little like when your house is robbed, and the local police get nowhere, and you get to bitch about it to your friends for 3 months straight, except, in this case, your husband (or wife, or brother, sister, mom or dad) was killed in a horrifying attack on NYC. It really is as simple as that. Additionally offensive, when Ann attacks the 9-11 widows, she tries to present herself as a “crusader”, someone saying something no one else has the guts to. That’s not the case. She just lacks the decency to not try and make some waves off of saying something “outrageous”.

I can understand the disconnect though. For Ann Coulter to experience the same sense of loss as these widows, she would have to have her husband killed in a terrorist attack and, admittedly, who’s gonna marry this woman? I’m not sure there’s anyone out there who hates their dick that much.

Now lets talk about what she looks like.

The most amazing part of watching Ann Coulter speak is when, after she says something “controversial”, her face is taken over by a series of quirky facial ticks. For example, her appearance on the Today show.

By the way, not to go off topic but Ann Coulter is not “outrageous” in the way the term is used to describe a TV personality, where it is meant as a synonym for “incorrigible” or “irreverent”. Robin Williams riffing uncontrollably on Leno, going in and out of his preacher character and “funny black voice” is “outrageous”. Ann Coulter is a crazy bi-otch.

Back to our scene. After she drops her verbal bomb, while Matt Lauer forms his next question, Ann’s robot mind has already shifted into defense and come up with her next answer. It is in these short, few seconds, while sitting there, “looking pretty” her expression slowly changes. Already knowing what she’s going to say, she surveys the room. It is here where the look on her face never lets us down- it’s always as if she’s just realizing that even though she was told she was the prettiest girl in the room, she isn’t, even though she wore her cute black dress.

Her eyes begin to glass over- a small panic attack ensues in her mind, her voice gets louder and she answers Lauer’s question. More thoughtless repeating of the same lines. She crosses and uncrosses her legs. Her nervous energy making her Adam’s Apple stand out even more. We’re now in full, uncomfortable, “car-accident TV”- only it's not as much a guilty pleasure this time because the woman you’re watching have a breakdown, just called 9-11 widows “self-obsessed" “millionaires”.

Ann Coulter sucks. And she’s a cunt. 94,001.

Monday, August 07, 2006

What Sucks...The Blog

Welcome to “What Sucks”, the blog dedicated to all that is sucky.

With so much around us that blows, it’s my hope this blog can help you keep it all sorted out.

Let’s face it- suckiness surrounds us all, gripping us in its vice-like hold, clinging to our lives with the ferocity of a bear trap made of shit. Our mission? To offer insight and shed understanding on the vast, seemingly endless, black hole of crap each one of us has to face everyday. And while that torrent of bullshit is both mammoth in scope and unyielding in its advance, at least here it can be called it out for what it is- a lot of shit that really sucks.

So join me- everyday I’ll shine the spotlight on something that sucks. And your comments, until you weird me out, are always welcome. Tell me what you think sucks, or if I suck, tell me that too. Perhaps, if given a voice, suckiness will one day recede. So think of us not as something born in cynicism but rather as custodians of a new age, where someone won’t feel bad if their ring tone isn’t up to snuff. That being said, thanks for stopping by and sorry everything really sucks so bad.